


Dragged by Eternal Temptation

by LozisLaw



Category: South Park
Genre: Adventure, Affairs, Angel/Demon Sex, Blood and Gore, Child Death, Childhood, Dark Comedy, Demon Powers, Demonic Sex- and lots of it, Demons, Depressing, Established Relationship, F/M, Fallen Angels, Forbidden Love, Growing Up, Heaven & Hell, Heavy Angst, Hell, Imp Tweek Tweak, M/M, Mission Related, Obsession, Pain, Self-Harm, Supernatural Elements, Weddings, Youth Pastor Craig Tucker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:34:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23274037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LozisLaw/pseuds/LozisLaw
Summary: After 10 thousand years, it gets no easier...After all...Eternity always comes knocking.**Days in the lives of four demons getting by in a small mountain town.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Kyle Broflovski/Heidi Turner, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh, Phillip "Pip" Pirrip/Damien Thorn, Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger
Comments: 33
Kudos: 50





	1. Hell. Absolute Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Basic gist of the setting is that Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Cartman are Demons existing in hell (not human). The rest to be revealed. If you read it, that is.
> 
> You- will read it? Won't you?

The burning sky screamed in hissing agony, while fire spewed from mountainous rocky terrain. Below the black rocks, slid an infinite river of lava, spitting flames and cries of helpless, forsaken souls, prisoners of the endless cycle of destructive pain and torment. In other words, Hell.

A glowing orb shone brightly in a dark, stone cavern of elaborate architecture. The illuminated orb was held by inanimate claws ripping up from the damaged stone pavement. Surrounding the orb, hoarding it, could be interpreted as a gruesome manifestation of desire and temptation, greedily peering in to the truth behind the source. It could also be interpreted as a glorious divine figure of infinite power and wisdom, harnessing man’s desire with a prowess of what was once considered the most beautiful angel before temptation corrupted its soul. It could also be interpreted as the Prince of Darkness, or Satan.

Satan peered into the glowing orb with interest, investing his eyes into its infinite wisdom and vision. He hummed with intrigue, gazing closer at its foretelling nature. Flashes of the world were reflected from the orb, and Satan hoarded it’s knowledge for himself as he learned more about the world above, where the sky didn’t burn, and the soul’s didn’t scream. Satan summoned his son, the Antichrist, and his proudest commodity in hell’s army of death and suffering.

‘’My progeny,’’ Satan boomed in a deep, growling call, peering over the orb to the grand entrance of the chamber. ‘’Come forth, and gaze upon my newest pursuit to rule the over world. Only once we have mid ground, can we succeed into my birthplace once more, and regain my right as god’’

A tall, dark man slid out of the shadows of the doorway, approaching Satan with a suave decisive step. His eyes burned like flickering flames, capable of exploding like an inferno with a misstep. He bowed, and stood up again, staring up at Satan with a determined frown.

‘’Father. Bid your will upon me, as I am but your undying servant of darkness,’’ The black-clad man announced, his voice as smooth as butter and dangerous as a knife.

‘’Damien, I have found the next location for our seeds of destruction. With the help of our cavalry of demons, we can plant their chaos and let destruction bloom into the earth above,’’ Satan said, hoisting his significant strength into a fighting arm gesture. Damien watched with antipathy.

‘’Would this continuous source of strategy be effective at this point in time? Our succession in rule is no closer than that a thousand years ago,’’ Damien said.

‘’Enough, Damien. This is my will, and you are under my rule in this realm. Collect the demons, you need not collect any more than four. Their location calls to be inconspicuous,’’ Satan said. Damien huffed, but otherwise bowed and exited his cavern. Satan resumed his internal plot, laughing evilly to himself over the orb, and the small mountain town displayed through it.

**

The room was alight with many elaborate candles and candelas, shading the red and gold cavern of silk and velvet with soft flames. The walls were ancient stone, put into the enchanted mansion over ten thousand years ago, made with spells and curses weaved into the mortar. There were fanciful accents and tables with a smorgasbord of delectable treats laid out in a hoarder’s feast.

In the centre of the lavish expanse was a large area of decadent pillows and soft furnishings. On this large bed of pillows and silk blankets, was a male demon with curly russet hair and red horns on his head, leaning down on his elbows as he indulgently popped purple grapes into his mouth, staring out into the window view of burning sky. Behind him, was a male demon with glowing yellow eyes and silky straight black hair, holding his naked hips while he thrust in and out of him with his cock. He panted and licked the back of the horned demon, while he hummed and sighed, slipping another grape in his mouth and washing it down with a mysterious black liquor in a jewelled goblet. He tilted his ass up towards the black haired demon, leaning back into his dick as he skewered him from behind.

The black haired demon finished with a groan, pumping his large orgasm into the horned demon, the horned demon having already finished earlier. The black-haired demon collapsed on top of the other, and fell down beside him, stealing his goblet and draining the liquor down his throat. The horned demon threw away the grapes, and cuddled around the black-haired one as he caught his breath.

‘’You took longer to finish, Stan,’’ The horned demon said. Stan pulled him closer, and the horned laid his head on his bare chest.

‘’I was trying to last this time. You always tease me for coming too soon, so I set to prove you wrong,’’ Stan said, grinning around the horned demon’s lips.

‘’I’ll be ready again in a few minutes. You needn’t impress me,’’ The horned demon said, biting Stan’s bottom lip.

‘’And yet you commanded this grand luxurious palace to reside. You know I would’ve been happy in a hole underground,’’ Stan said.

‘’Am I the one who commanded the insane selection of delicacies for every room of the house? That was you, my love,’’ The horned demon said with a smile, twirling his finger around Stan’s locks.

‘’Only because you like to eat when we make love, Kyle,’’ Stan said with a grin. Kyle harrumphed, unable to refute that.

‘’Well, you know! I’ve got a large sex-drive, I need to eat sometimes, in between fucking,’’ Kyle argued. Stan laughed.

‘’Your anatomy doesn’t require fuel with grapes and chocolates,’’ Stan pointed out.

‘’No, mine requires blood and flesh. If I really wan’t to be all powerful. Lucky it wasn’t my first desire,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Speaking of,’’ Stan said, eying a messenger that appeared at the doorway of the room, looking nervous. They stood at the entrance, shifting uncomfortably and holding a letter.

‘’Why do you interrupt us? Come here!’’ Kyle called impatiently to the messenger, still lying on his stomach facing the outside view. They hastily shuffled forwards, holding the letter with shaking hands. Human. Stan ignored the messenger in favour of caressing Kyle’s naked body where they lay. Kyle held his hand out, and the messenger placed the letter in his hand.

‘’Who are you?’’ Kyle asked the messenger after inspecting the letter and putting it aside, uninterested for now. They looked surprised Kyle asked this.

‘’I- uh, your messenger,’’ They said uncertainly. Kyle narrowed his eyes at them, and licked his lips, showing the mortal his sharp fangs. They flinched, and Kyle smirked, and his cock twitched. He was not about to deny that he got off on lower forms fearing him. It’s why they let the servants approach them at all. Not all demons let their slaves near them in their lair.

‘’Yes, I can see that. But who are you?’’ Kyle asked, sitting up. Stan sighed, and rolled over to face them. The messenger widened their eyes upon seeing Stan, who Kyle assumed was feared for his intense piercing yellow eyes more than his devilishly good looks.

‘’M-my name is Hayden! I d-died,’’ Hayden the messenger stammered at them, his hands trembling.

‘’Why so scared?’’ Kyle asked him.

‘’It-It’s you two. You’re feared by the mortals as the fiercest in Satan’s legion of demons. T-they say you can destroy armies with wildfires that wipe out everyone in the area,’’ Hayden said. Stan widened his eyes at Kyle. Kyle grinned, entertained by that idea.

‘’You hear that, my love, apparently we’re famous to the mortals!’’ Kyle said. Stan smiled and kissed him on the lips. Kyle slipped out his tongue, peeking in the corner of his eye to the messenger, who expectedly lost his composure seeing their display.

‘’So Hayden. What else do the mortals say about us?’’ Kyle asked, turning back to him as Stan moved down to suck his neck, biting into his skin. Hayden watched this, then shook himself and focused back on Kyle. Was it wrong that Kyle was also an exhibitionist?

‘’Um, they speak of your insatiable thirst for blood, that you take corpses you’ve demolished and suck their blood out through their eyes,’’ Hayden explained. Kyle wrinkled his nose in disgust.

‘’So unhygienic,’’ Kyle said. Hayden seemed to relax a little, which was the point.

‘’They, um, also talk of your unfiltered lust. And that- that you- uh. Have Stanley the Possessed on a leash in public,’’ Hayden said, wincing. Kyle stared at him, and burst out laughing. Stan chuckled under his breath, licking Kyle’s shoulder.

‘’Well, haven’t they got that wrong! As you can see, Hayden-‘’ Stan moved back around behind Kyle, lining himself up again and pushing in. ‘’Ahh! Stan’s on nobody’s leash!’’ Kyle said, moaning around him from his recent soreness brushing against Stan’s cock as he pushed in hard, all the way, and started fucking him again. Hayden watched in complete shock, his mouth stuck open. Kyle was still facing him, giving him the perfect view of Stan’s balls slapping his ass as he fucked him raw.

‘’I-I’ll go!’’ Hayden said, panicked and backing away.

‘’Halt!’’ Kyle ordered, shouting as Stan hit his prostate. Hayden stopped, his face burning red, and went back to Kyle.

‘’Wanna- wanna join in?’’ Kyle asked, panting as he faced Hayden. Hayden dropped his jaw, and stared at them in shock.

‘’W-what?’’ Hayden asked, his face a curious blend of white and red, with tints of purple. It made Kyle hungry.

‘’Come and assume a position, we can fit you in,’’ Kyle offered, wagging his finger forward at him. Hayden closed his jaw, and slowly moved towards them. Kyle smiled, and assisted in getting his shirt off. Hayden seemed to understand what was happening, and otherwise didn’t fight it when Kyle ripped his shirt off, and pulled him closer. 

He might have fucked him, or sucked his cock or something, but he couldn’t really resist when a meal just offered themselves up like that so easily. It made him lose control a bit. Just as Hayden adjusted lower beneath Kyle, in a general sucking off position. His skin looked so edible, so pink with hot embarrassment. There was fresh churning blood in there, begging for Kyle fulfil its purpose. Kyle leaned down, about to lick his cock, then suddenly moved to his chest and sunk his sharp fangs down hard. Hayden screamed, blood spurted everywhere, and Kyle drank him up until he was nothing but dust.

‘’Kyle!’’ Stan admonished, speeding his pace. Kyle leaned back, his mouth bloodied, and stretched out his arms in the pool of blood coating the area in front of him, his mind fogged over in mindless ecstasy. He lathered himself with it, and arched his back when Stan kept hitting him in the right spots.

‘’Fuck, yeah! Oh, fuck, baby, keep going. Ahh- yes!’’ Kyle moaned, slopping about in the blood, licking the rest up at a manic pace while Stan thrust his cock inside him. He felt like he was coated in it, and it felt so hot, he came from it, mixing his come with the red mess all over the cushions.

‘’You maniac, look at the mess you’ve made!’’ Stan exclaimed, leaning down to scoop up the blood and smear it over his cock as a lubricant, and thrusting with it again. Kyle screamed in ecstasy at the ceiling of elegant candle chandeliers, wiping his forehead to get rid of the sweat, but ended up just smearing more blood. Stan couldn’t hold off from his showcase of manslaughter and came with a yell, pulling out in time to drench Kyle in blood and come.

When Kyle stopped panting, stopped moving his hips in a stimulating way, and sat back, observing the mess surrounding them. Stan collapsed on the cushions, surrounded by a messy sight of blood, Hayden’s drained body white from shock and lifeless on the ground, was next to him. Not happy with this, Kyle pushed the body away from Stan.

‘’Ugh, look at this mess!’’ Kyle said, observing himself. He was covered in the stuff, and really didn’t feel like going to the effort to make Stan lick it off. He may have had a hyper-sex drive, but he still got tired after a whole day of constant sex. Even demons had limits, and he and Stan had explored them all.

‘’You could’ve just let him go home. And we wouldn’t have had to get a servant in here to clean,’’ Stan said, his face muffled in the pillows.

‘’The soul was teasing me, what choice did I have? In any case, I have to clean up or I’ll start murdering more slaves,’’ Kyle said. Stan chuckled, turning over to face him with a heavy sigh.

‘’Because your reputation is at stake of course,’’ Stan said. Kyle smirked.

‘’Must be nice for you, you just have to burn the slaves, give them a fucked up devil monologue, and you’re good,’’ Kyle said. Stan snorted.

‘’You say that as though it’s easy to kill people,’’ Stan said.

‘’It is. Did you see the dude I sucked dry while we fucked just then?’’ Kyle asked. Stan sighed, glancing back at Hayden’s corpse.

‘’He seemed nice. He was just doing his job. What did you do to that letter?’’ Stan asked. Kyle looked around for it, only finding blood pillows and blankets. He saw the letter placed aside, luckily narrowly missing the massacre. He crawled over the blankets to find it, buck naked and dried blood cooling on his face, arms, and in his ass, and opened it quickly, scanning through. He widened his eyes, glancing back at Stan.

‘’What is it?’’ Stan asked.

‘’Satan requires an audience, for a scheme on Earth,’’ Kyle said, reading through the summons.

‘’Shit,’’ Stan said. Kyle glanced up, and they both had the same thing on their minds.

Stan whistled, taking charge, summoning one of their servants, who came in promptly, widening their eyes at the sight of blood, and probably Kyle’s red spattered body.

‘’You summoned me, master,’’ The servant said, bowing low.

‘’This whole place needs to be clean promptly, and run a bath in the chambers,’’ Stan said, ordering them off. The servant nodded, and collected some more to finish the task.

‘’We’re gonna be gone for awhile,’’ Kyle said sadly, looking back at Stan. Stan stood up, lifting Kyle with him, and wiping some blood off his chin.

‘’It’s fine. We’ll just go and see what he wants. We’re fine,’’ Stan assured him. Kyle wasn’t very comforted. They were technically still part of Satan’s cavalry, but mostly retired, spending their days having sex and eating expensive chocolates imported from earth to pass their eternity. It was their heaven, and Kyle couldn’t imagine anything better.

‘’Fuck, I need to get this fucking blood off me!’’ Kyle exclaimed.

**

The new souls screamed in agony, their voices pitched at a level that could blind a deaf person. 

‘’Hey, I hear you, it’s tough. But it’s a living!’’ Kenny said, exploding with laughter at his own dumb joke. The victims were not amused, they just whimpered with pleads for the pain to stop.

‘’I’m sorry guys, but this is your fault. If we have to punish you for that, I’m just doing my job here. You didn’t do yours well enough, that’s why you’re here. I still gotta do mine, otherwise, I’ll go to hell. Wait! I’m already here! HA!’’ Kenny burst out laughing again, clapping himself on the back.

‘’Please, please, god please. Stop this, I can’t take it,’’ the newest soul manifestation cried, their hands latched together if they weren’t already shackled to the wall.

‘’God? Oh hey, part of the thing I gotta say. Satan is your god now! Ha! Have you even met the guy, you don’t even know if he exists. I guess he has that in common with god at least! Hahaha!’’ Kenny cackled, doubling over.

‘’No more jokes, please. No more,’’ a frail old man pleaded. Kenny laughed harder.

‘’It took you long enough to die old timer, how did you go in the end? Choke on your pills? Fall down the stairs? Die while fucking your wife? Just kidding, I was fucking her when you died! Hahahahaha!’’ Kenny exploded with more laughter, unable to stop coming up with quips. The old man moaned in pain.

‘’Yeah, that’s what she said!’’ Kenny said, losing his breath. He fucking loved his job. 

‘’What will happen to us?’’ A poor middle aged soul asked, shaking against the wall where his newest recruits were chained, forced to endure an hour of Kenny’s classic comedy club torture style, before moving to the next stage of physical punishment. It wasn’t for eternity, but it’s what they told the newbies, to sufficiently scare them before they got to move into Hell for real.

‘’Nothing that you haven’t doomed yourselves to already. I mean what the fuck did this little boy do to make god hate him enough to deny him heaven? Look at his little cheeks!’’ Kenny exclaimed, phasing his form with nether magic to approach the little boy and pinch his cheeks. The boy promptly bit him hard.

‘’Oww- little fucker! Ha, I guess we know now! That’s why we ask questions! But seriously, this is your life, because all of you are little shits who couldn’t volunteer for puppy club because you’d already killed the puppies. This is your eternal punishment for them pups, so get strapped in. Or should I say chained!’’ Kenny laughed, his phase form slapping his back for him.

‘’Thanks dude,’’ Kenny said to his nether form, who saluted and returned to him. Some of the new recruits started crying, and Kenny wiped their tears for them, making jokes about it that made them cry harder. 

The hour was up, and the wall that hung the hell bound bodies suddenly flipped, turning them over to the next torturer, which Kenny assumed was the physical one, the one that pulled teeth out. He hoped that little kid got his proper treatment. And now he was on break, for an hour until the next souls came in fresh, and Kenny had come up with new material just for them. This was his calling, not the fucking cavalry, that shit sucked harder than a prostitute. 

Kenny was just thinking about this, and as though his thoughts came to life, a messenger came up to him, looking green, holding an envelope.

‘’Hey dude, you looking for the cabbage patch? HA!’’ Kenny laughed. The messenger didn’t laugh, just looked haggard.

‘’Kenny the soulbreaker?’’ The messenger asked.

‘’Uh, no. I’m Kenny the soultickler,’’ Kenny corrected with a grin. The messenger sighed.

‘’This is for you’’ he said. Kenny inspected it, recognising Satan’s seal. He put it down for a second, this messenger was intriguing him.

‘’How bad of a day have you had so far?’’ Kenny asked. The messenger sighed, shuddering. Either this dude was brand new, or he’d seen some pretty vanilla ass Hell up until now.

‘’I- it doesn’t matter,’’ The messenger said, looking down.

‘’C’mon dude, just trying to put a smile on your face. Work with me here. What’s your name?’’ Kenny asked.

‘’Hayden.’’ 

‘’What happened to fuck your face up like it’s doing right now,’’ Kenny asked.

‘’I had to deliver the same letter to another two people. They were-‘’ Hayden didn’t finish.

‘’Who was it?’’ Kenny asked. He knew everyone in Hell, everyone.

‘’Stanley the possessed and Kyle the furious,’’ Hayden said. Kenny burst out laughing.

‘’Those two? Shit, what did you catch them doing? I swear, they have no shame with their servants,’’ Kenny said, shaking his head. Kyle and Stan were some of his best friends, and two of the most deadly procrastinators he’d ever met.

‘’They- they were naked, and then they were having sex in front of me. Kyle the furious, he wanted me to join in. And then he killed me!’’ Hayden said, widening his eyes like he could hardly believe it happened.

‘’Ah, so you had to be reprocessed?’’ Kenny guessed. It was not a desirable thing to do, but those who died in Hell had to go through another process to get replaced with a new body for their souls to inhabit.

‘’Yeah, it was so crazy, i’d never had to do that. My friends, they warned me. The stories in my neighbourhood about those demons, I should have known better. He acted so friendly and different at first though, but it was a trap!’’ Hayden said. Kenny nodded.

‘’Demons can be dicks sometimes. Just try thinking about their perspective though. They were created by Satan together, for his cavalry, and have had to serve him and his universal wars for centuries. I think they’ve earned a little break. If that includes hardcore sex and death, that’s their problem. Not yours anymore.’’

‘’I just want a different job. I didn’t think i’d need one once I died,’’ Hayden said.

‘’Yeah, buddy, that’s heaven. Down here, it’s basically earth with demons, stupid heat and only one ruler. You’ll get used to it after a century or so. Who knows, you might he somewhere else by then,’’ Kenny said.

‘’Well anyway, I’ve still got one more to deliver. Hopefully they’ll be as nice as you,’’ Hayden said, smiling uncertainly. Kenny read the print on the letter Hayden held, and widened his eyes.

‘’Shit, they’re dragging the bloody dog in?’’ Kenny asked. Hayden gaped.

‘’I- what?’’

‘’Don’t you know him? He’s the most ruthless member of the cavalry that doesn’t include Satan’s own son. The guy is an absolute maniac. If you thought Stan and Kyle were bad, buddy you’ve got no fucking idea,’’ Kenny said.

‘’Holy shit. What will he make me do?’’ Hayden asked, fear in his eyes. 

‘’I don’t even know. He can be so cunning, and spontaneous at the same time. And he hates mortals with a passion,’’ Kenny said.

‘’How do you know so much about these guys?’’ Hayden asked.

‘’Aww, didn’t your neighbourhood mention Kenny the soulbreaker in the cavalry?’’ Kenny pouted. Hayden gasped, stepping back.

‘’You! You- you’re, one of them! You’re one of them aren’t you? You’re a demon!’’ Hayden sputtered.

‘’Actually, I prefer anomaly if anything,’’ Kenny’s nether form responded, appearing with it’s arms around Hayden’s shocked person. Kenny grinned, shrugging.

‘’Pretty good, right?’’ Kenny asked, retracting his nether form into one body. Hayden backed away, dropping the letter to Bloody dog and running off before Kenny could realise why. He sighed and looked at the ground when Hayden was gone, picking up the letter for Dog. He opened his own, reading the summons with interest.

‘’Ooh Satan, you sneaky bastard! What this time?’’ Kenny said to himself, grinning. He looked back at Dog’s letter, deciding to present the letter to him for Hayden. He hadn’t seen Bloody Dog for a while anyway.

**

Stan and Kyle approached the Big house together, a huge brutalist stone structure on the tip of the highest mountain, overlooking everything in the lava inferno below. The entry doors were a huge heavy stone that no mortal could lift, and Stan held his arms out towards it, blowing the doors wide open with a thunder that erupted from his hands, creating a blast for pure heat and fire. They walked through.

‘’That door is so irritating sometimes,’’ Kyle said, taking Stan’s arm in his as they entered the house. They headed through the ancient hallway, confronted with Satan’s prizes artefacts, along with his favourite slaves at the ready.

‘’Stanley the possessed and Kyle the furious!’’ One of the slaves said, bowing quickly. Now this was a slave who knew how to do their job.

‘’Satan summoned us,’’ Kyle said, and the slave nodded.

‘’Of course. Please, follow this way,’’ the servant announced, walking ahead. Stan and Kyle followed him through the large halls of darkness only illuminated by torches on the stone walls. They all approached a larger room, where the servant bowed and left them by themselves.

‘’Well, shit. This fucking blows,’’ Kyle announced.

‘’Oh, where’s your sense of optimism!’’ A voice said from behind them. Stan and Kyle turned abruptly, where Kenny the soul breaker grinned at them in a dark cloak, his sunny blonde hair skewing over his forehead in stylish disarray. His whole person had a dark violet shadowy glow around him, from his nether powers, and it spoke of mysterious origins, but his presumptuous beaming smile spoke the opposite, a complete open book.

‘’You son of a bitch, what are you doing here Kenny?’’ Stan asked.

‘’What? Am I not a valuable part of the cavalry anymore?’’ Kenny said, slapping their backs in greeting.

‘’No, the fags just didn’t want you part of their orgy,’’ another voice announced. Kyle frowned, recognising the voice. A large man stepped out from hiding and sneered openly at them all. He wore a pretentious self awarded crown over his brown hair, a long crimson robe that fit over his tall, muscular body.

‘’Bloody fucking dog,’’ Kyle said in disgust. Out of all of their brothers of war, Eric the bloody dog was his least favourite.

‘’How bad does Satan want to fail to recruit you two homos?’’ Bloody Dog asked. Kyle bared his fangs at him in warning.

‘’Don’t fuck with us now, Eric. Stan and I can still tear you apart until you’re nothing but a stolen tiara,’’ Kyle said, clenching his fists in anger. Ten thousand fucking years he’s had to put up with Bloody dog, and it hasn’t been any easier. A consecutive ten times have they killed each others forms, and reprocessing is a bitch.

‘’Ha! Keep telling yourself that, halfbreed! My brethren will smite upon your unworthy blood, and I will dance upon your sex idled skulls’’ Eric announced. Kyle hissed. Stan stood in front of him now, defending him, and though it had taken him long enough, Kyle couldn’t deny he really fucking loved it when Stan killed on his behalf, and the hum in his fingers that Kyle sensed through their connection buzzed with potential danger. It was so hot.

‘’What the fuck do you call your countless whores that shamefully leave your mansion every day? If anybody here is a sex addict it’s you’’ Stan said, aggressively. Kyle caressed his arm, so fucking turned on right now, despite everything.

‘’Ha! Okay now, jests aside, we all know Eric’s the one who’s the prostitute,’’ Kenny chuckled. Bloody Dog turned on Kenny with a shocked expression.

‘’Soulbreaker, the fuck! Why do you torment me?’’ Bloody Dog whined, making his large and domineering body seem extra childish. Kenny grinned and shrugged.

‘’C’mon man, we’ve all seen it. You pimp yourself, Possessed and Furious fuck like depraved criminals, I take pleasure in comedic torture. We’re all fucked in the eyes of god, but not the prince of darkness. That’s why we’re the cavalry of Satan’s army,’’ Kenny said.

‘’I couldn’t have said it better. Thank you, Soul breaker,’’ A voice announced from behind them. The four of them turned, seeing a shadow leaning against the dark stone wall, arms crossed casually. Kyle saw his eyes before anything, burning, flickering power suppressed within dark, focused eyes, peering at them all. The figure leaned off the wall and towards them, his full black attire never failing in its criminally seductive purposes. If Stan didn’t exist, Damien would be a decent substitute, and Kyle would climb that shit like a tree. As if Damien even let anyone, the dude was basically a monk, sexually speaking.

‘’Fuckin’ Damien. We don’t have time for old world spouting from you. It’s bad enough Satan does it,’’ Eric sneered. Damien just smirked, and flicked his wrist towards Eric, chucking the silly self appointed crown off his head and letting it clatter on the ground. Eric felt his head, whining to himself with an upset air that belonged to a three year old. That guy, he was a whiny spoilt child in a thick man’s body, not suited to him at all. He deserved to be a fat little boy, with a tiny penis. Begrudgingly, Eric had a huge one, over 13 inches. It was psychotic, and he never refrained to show it off, the smug bastard.

‘’There’s only one prince in this motherfucking realm, and it’s not a war hungry sociopath who likes to crossdress,’’ Damien said, calmly, though his words hissed ice, and pricked at Kyle’s skin in their effect. Bloody Dog seethed, but backed down. It was futile attempting to fight with the antichrist, and anyone who tried went straight to reprocessing. Everyone in hell knew that.

‘’So what’s going on, we’re supposed to meet Satan,’’ Kenny continued, skipping past that unpleasantness, thank fuck. Damien shifted his dangerous eyes away from Dog, and retained a more refined stance again.

‘’Your summons was directly from Satan, but you will not be meeting him. I will be debriefing you, and you will accept the mission,’’ Damien said. Kyle glanced at Stan, who wore a similar expression of disdain towards this. It didn’t feel right.

‘’If you’ll be so kind as to follow me, I can explain this task further in a more suited setting,’’ Damien explained, turning and walking away from them. The four followed obediently, genuinely curious. Plus, they had to do as they were told, even if their orders did not specifically have to come from Damien. He tended to assume leadership more often than not anyway.

‘’So, son of a devil, whatcha been up to these days?’’ Kenny asked gracelessly as usual. Damien didn’t react, just kept moving ahead of the pack through hallways. Kyle tightened his grip on Stan, getting a reassuring squeeze back. It’s not that they were scared, of the mission or anything. Kyle was terrified of what this little quest would do in regard to their semi-retirement. Stan and Kyle had a fucking good thing going, and Kyle was so sick of the cavalry, but they still couldn’t deny answering the call. It was in their blood, after all.

‘’You’re working as a dungeon torturer nowadays, am I correct?’’ Damien stated back after some silence.

‘’Yep, best job of my non existent life. I do the torture in comedy,’’ Kenny said. Damien made a small derivative scoff in his throat.

‘’I see. And you found this an adequate use of your extraordinary abilities?’’ Damien questioned. Kyle saw where this was going, and Kenny seemed to as well.

‘’Hey, Mr Busty Balls, I don’t make fun of your come scraping job for your daddy, so don’t make fun of my very satisfying work,’’ Kenny said. Damien remained silent, and didn’t speak again until they approached a large door. He slowly unhinged it with his invisible force, and let it slid open for the five of them to enter the room. It wasn’t big, looked like a modified control room, like the ones he’d seen on Earth. He’s only been to Earth twice, from two separate battles that both ended in a massacre of souls that he’s barely recovered from to this day. He doesn’t like to think about it.

Damien led them through, and gave them a set of seats, taking the front one to face them. Kyle held Stan’s hand as they sat, refusing to let go, whatever Damien decided their fate as.

‘’So what’s going on? Why were we summoned?’’ Stan asked. Damien held his stern expression at them where he sat, leaning forward.

‘’So I’m guessing you aren’t dumb enough to not guess that this is another earthbound pursuit.’’

‘’No shit, Satan doesn’t ask anything of us unless it’s hard core,’’ Bloody Dog said. Damien scowled at him, and didn’t respond.

‘’Satan has located a station, where he will plant his agents of evil, you pathetic mongrels, into the world dominated by humans,’’ Damien said the word ‘human’ as though it was a dirty language. Kyle had to agree, as did the other three.

‘’You will be inconspicuously placed into this small town, where you will assume the identities of everyday humans. Only your job is not to be normal, your job is to look normal while you fuck up that town into oblivion. That’s why we’ve given you the best possible disguises to ensure your task is done without any suspicion from the indigenous fauna,’’ Damien explained. Stan and Kyle exchanged a look. That wasn’t so bad, at least it wasn’t battling another war. They could have lives up there, during the job.

‘’How long will be our placement?’’ Kenny asked.

‘’For life,’’ Damien said. They all sputtered at this, and Damien smirked.

‘’Your earth lives dipshits. Then you’ll be deposited back in Hell when you’re all old and break your backs, exactly the same as you look now,’’ Damien said. Dog breathed in relief. Kyle supposed he did have significant investment in his current body.

‘’Well, fuck, that’s a relief,’’ Stan said, glancing back at Kyle. Kyle smiled, equally glad, and gave Stan a kiss. He could feel Damien’s gaze burning between the two of them.

‘’There’s another thing, you all must know,’’ Damien said. Stan and Kyle released from each other, turning back towards Damien.

‘’Since this is essentially a spy mission, with a hint of sabotage, there are some precaution you could all use. As you are all aware, it is accepted and rejoiced to be gay in hell,’’ Damien said, pointedly at Stan and Kyle. Kyle scowled.

‘’But it is not up on Earth. It is an anomaly, looked down upon, and highlighted as such. Your planted base town is no exception, in fact, it might be the most homophobic town we’ve come across in our search,’’ Damien explained. Kyle’s joy drastically dropped from his body, leaving him gradually wary and upset with this news.

‘’That’s why, for the duration of this task, Stanley the possessed and Kyle the furious, both of you are prohibited from being gay with each other, or anyone else,’’ Damien said sternly. Stan and Kyle yelled protest simultaneously.

‘’No!’’ Kyle shouted, clenching his fists. Stan summoned a swarm of hot wind, simmering around him like a ticking bomb. Bloody Dog laughed. Damien remained emotionless.

‘’Ha! You heard them, homos. Looks like you gotta take a sex hiatus’’ Eric boomed, cackling.

‘’That goes for all of you’’ Damien clarified. Kenny shrugged.

‘’I wasn’t going to just stick to males anyway’’ Kenny said.

‘’And I am not gay, I bang dead chicks- okay? Not dudes’’ Eric clarified. Kenny snickered, and Eric shoved him.

‘’Why the fuck can’t we be together up there? It’s not like they can kill us’’ Kyle said.

‘’It’s not about that. It’s the fact that if anyone saw you two, as little as holding hands, which I know is not your worst offence, you would be picked out from the crowd. Jeopardising the mission, and failing Satan in his conquest. Do you really fucking want that?’’ Damien said. Stan stewed to himself, staring at the ground. Kyle was still angry, but he understood what was being said. It wasn’t forever though, just an earth lifetime. That was nothing compared to eternity.

‘’That’s what I thought. One more thing regarding that, to ensure you don’t fuck up and start jeopardising the mission with your sexual desires, I have assigned Stan a human girlfriend, to be kept, until another more suitable one is found’’ Damien said. Kyle erupted in anger.

‘’What!? No fucking way!’’ Kyle yelled.

‘’Fuck no, I’m not having a girlfriend, sick!’’ Stan said, shouting.

‘’I really don’t care what you think about the situation. This is because you two can’t be trusted not to spread your legs for each other. This is on you, and because of our lack of faith, Stan will go on earth, start dating this girl, and that will be final,’’ Damien said.

‘’How come Kyle doesn’t need a girlfriend?’’ Stan asked, bitterly.

‘’Because one of you needs to assume the role of straight male, for appearance sake, and Kyle is too much of a fucking catamite to bed a girl,’’ Damien said. Kyle appreciated the compliment, but not under that context, and seethed.

‘’Fuck you! I don’t want Stan to have a girlfriend. He’s fucking gay, this is just cruel!’’ Kyle said.

‘’Suck it up, that’s the mission,’’ Damien said. It would be so easy, to rip that fucking guy’s lungs out. Only it wouldn’t, so Kyle didn’t.

‘’Why do I have to initiate a relationship with this chosen girl?’’ Stan asked.

‘’Because it demonstrates how straight you are, and she’s a human, not some droid we’re placing on set. Her name is Wendy Testaburger, and you have to seduce her first,’’ Damien said. Stan made a gagging noise in disgust.

‘’A fucking curly fry is straighter than Stan,’’ Kyle muttered, holding his tongue with crueller taunts. Kenny snickered under his breath. Stan huffed in annoyance.

‘’This is bullshit. What do these guys have to lose, huh? If I’m losing Kyle? These fuckers are not going for free,’’ Stan said angrily.

‘’We’ll figure out the details once you get there, trust me, it’ll be easier. You all know how to contact, if you need anything. But, if we’re going to simulate real lives here, you should limit anything you do that your assigned character would not. So no powers, whatsoever,’’ Damien said.

‘’What happens if we breach these rules?’’ Kenny asked.

‘’You deal with me’’ Damien said, giving them all a dangerous look. They believed he was capable of fucking them all up, he’d done it before.

‘’If you’re all caught up with this, we can proceed’’ Damien said. He stood up, crossing the room as they followed again. Kyle was bitterly angry, his fists dying to throw some fire out and burn something, preferably Damien and his stupid ideas that Stan had to have a fake fucking girlfriend. That was absolute bullshit.

Damien was on the wall of the room, adjusting some placements on a pedestal beside a blank brick wall. They all waited while he did this, and moved to the centre of the wall, whispering something into the wall, followed by throwing his invisible force at it. It shook violently, and a sudden flash of light burst from the stone wall. They all looked away from the blinding light, until it dimmed down, and became a swirling blue portal, transparent and floating in the wall.

‘’Okay, you go through this portal, and you will immediately be in act, maybe take some time to get your characters adjusted before you start living. Your names will remain the same. And you’ll all be given information telepathically about your place. Everything has been arranged. So… go!’’ Damien said, stepping aside for them to enter the portal.

The four of them obediently followed his direction, walking into the portal. Kyle made sure to flip Damien off just before he crossed, as a nice little fuck you present for making Stan have a girlfriend for the mission.

Damien glared, and his face was the last thing Kyle saw before they were torn apart from this realm, and shoved into another.


	2. Holy South Park

Pure blurry white. Stinging freezing burns, stabbing the skin in tiny excruciating pricks. A hazy numbness settling over in relaxing agony.

Stan woke up with his face in the snow. For a few uncounted seconds, he was conscious but incapable of movement, and he just laid there, trying to untangle his brain from being shaken around violently. He felt it’s biting temperature like a slap in the face.

His first thought was; why is it so cold?

His second; where is Kyle?

Stan sat up groggily, seeing pure white powder from the ground, staining his clothes, which were padded.

_Weird._

He sat up, his eyes adjusting to the environment, but mostly blind. He called out to Kyle, before he could see anything, and a green blur shook him to full awareness.

‘’Stan? Stan?’’ a voice shouted at him in a high pitch, startling him. His eyes finally adjusted, and he found himself staring at a little boy, with a green ushanka and orange coat. Stan was confused, until he caught the little boy’s eyes. Pure glimmering green.

_Kyle._

‘’K-Kyle?’’ Stan stuttered in disbelief. He widened his eyes and grabbed his throat when he heard his own voice. It was a child’s voice, that wasn’t him. He looked down at himself, at his hands, and choked on his freezing breath. His hands were so fucking tiny, covered in red mittens, attached to a body just as small. He glanced back at Kyle in disbelief.

‘’What the fuck!’’ Stan exclaimed. Kyle gasped when he turned back to him, grabbing Stan’s wrists where they crouched and pulling his face over for inspection. His movements were so childlike, Stan couldn’t adjust to it.

‘’Stan! Your eyes!’’ Kyle exclaimed, looking closely at him. Stan instinctively felt his eyelids, touching them to make sure his eyes were still there.

‘’What?’’ Stan asked uncertainly. Kyle guffawed, staring into his eyes closely.

‘’They’re blue! Darling, your eyes, they’re not yellow, they’re blue! Oh my god they’re so beautiful!’’ Kyle said, beaming at him. Stan gulped, feeling very strange. Also instinctively, he felt his crotch, and breathed harder when it was also a child’s. Kyle watched him, and Stan turned back to him.

‘’What do I look like?’’ Stan asked. Kyle grabbed his face, smiling.

‘’You look freaking adorable. God, baby, is your hair the same under there?’’ Kyle asked, slipping Stan’s hat off. It was a red poofball hat. Kyle gasped again with glee once it was off.

‘’It is! Aww, it’s so cute, you’ve got little bangs on your forehead,’’ Kyle said, brushing his little mitten hand through it. Stan watched in awe, surprised Kyle’s voice sounded so innocent and babyish. Even his face, his cheeks were chubbier and he had little freckles on his nose.

‘’You’re so young,’’ Stan said, staring. Kyle felt himself, and slipped off his hat. Stan’s shock took a break when he saw; couldn’t help the childish giggles that escaped him as Kyle’s beautiful russet curls had become a red beehive of fuzzy mess. Kyle blushed, feeling his hair in horror.

‘’Oh fuck, no. Are you kidding?’’ Kyle said to himself as he felt his mass of hair exploding on his head.

‘’Join the fucking club, dicks,’’ another voice said, in a high pitched, whiny sound. Stan and Kyle turned to see an enormously fat little boy, in a red sweater and blue and yellow puffball hat, glaring petulantly in the snow. Stan recognised that face, and gasped.

‘’Eric?’’ Stan asked, in disbelief. Eric hit the ground angrily, making a pathetic noise.

‘’It’s not fucking fair! I was the best looking one out of you homos, and Damien made me fucking fat! I used to have abs! I was muscly! It’s because I didn’t suck his dick like you guys did, I know it,’’ Eric said, hitting the ground again. An orange shape jumped onto Eric’s shoulder’s hugging his neck with a familiar laugh. The little boy with the big orange parka covering his whole body and most of his face said something, but his entire voice was muffled, and they didn’t hear a word he said.

‘’Kenny, we can’t understand you,’’ Kyle said to him. Kenny paused, then laughed and pulled down the hood of his parka, unveiling sandy blonde locks and a shit-eating smile. Same old Kenny, in a weird child body.

‘’I said don’t be glum, we’re kids! We get to have fun, and piss where we want, and get kisses from our mommies! Paradise, if you ask me!’’ Kenny repeated, jumping where he stood.

‘’Easy for you to say, skinny dickface. Why is Damien such an asshole!’’ Eric yelled at the sky, flipping it off.

‘’You’re pointing at god, not hell,’’ Stan pointed out, finding this showcase easier to comprehend than the fact they had been reverted to children, no older than eight. Eric glared at him, then scoffed.

‘’Why is fucking Stan the one who gets a good face? I’m way hotter than him!’’ Eric said, deferring to the sky again. Stan didn’t know what this face looked like, but he assumed it was just a very young version of his own. Kyle didn’t seem bothered, so he guessed it was fine, resembling his old one enough.

‘’Why has Damien made us kids?’’ Kyle wondered, looking back at Stan. Stan shrugged, still processing this. He looked around them, they were all sitting in a patch of fresh snow, on the side of a road, a yellow bus stop sign in front of them. Behind them was crowded with snow sprinkled pine trees, a forest of them, obscuring any view of where on earth they were.

‘’You know what I think? I think this has been done on purpose. Imagine all the shit we can get away with as kids. If he sent us as adults, the suspicion would be dropped on us much quicker. This is clever, ha, I can see it already,’’ Kenny said, grinning to the three of them. Eric still scowled. Stan took Kyle’s hand, and a stab of panic pricked at his skin. Right, the arrangement. Kyle was looking at him like he already knew, his sad were sad. Stan held his hand softly to Kyle’s cheek, smiled sadly.

‘’It’ll only be eighty years or so. That’s nothing to eternity,’’ Stan said, trying to make him feel better. His heart was aching now though, at the prospect he couldn’t touch Kyle like this for a lifetime. Kyle sniffled, smiling back blearily.

‘’Can we still be close?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’We’ll be best friends,’’ Stan assured him, leaning his forehead on Kyle’s. They exchanged a telepathic message to each other.

_Always_

They remained like this, sitting opposite each other, foreheads knocked together in the snow beside a vacant bus stop on the side of the road. Stan closed his eyes, trying to memorise Kyle’s touch. He wouldn’t be allowed to feel it again for years.

‘’Are you done? We’ve gotta find our parents, and learn who we’re acting as,’’ Kenny said, disrupting their quiet, bittersweet serenity. Stan leaned away, brushing Kyle’s cheek fondly. Kyle looked like he was about to burst into tears, and Stan didn’t think he could handle that. Only twice, in their entire ten thousand year history, had Kyle cried in front of Stan. Both times were traumatic, wilfully buried. The images still bleed past Stan’s defences, especially when he sees Kyle like this, so vulnerable, small, innocent. The temptation to crush their bodies together in a bruising hug is shattering, because they can’t do anything like that anymore. They have to play the part. As long as they’re up here.

‘’Damien told us we’d know when he got here, but look what that faggot did to me, so we obviously can’t trust a word he says,’’ Eric said, scowling at the snow. Kenny was sitting beside him, playing with the snow in front of him, his hood redone back up, making him look even younger.

‘’Maybe we just have to see where we are first, get a scope for the place,’’ Kenny suggested. His voice was easier to decipher now, but still muffled.

‘’We’re in a fucking freezer, that’s where. I bet Damien put us in Antarctica, just to be an even bigger dick. Probably to compensate for his micro one. I bet he was just jealous of my whopper, so he made this mission to repurpose our bodies, it explains why we never even spoke to Satan, the guy who gave the order. This is a conspiracy, I will not be satiated you fucking demon!’’ Eric announced, hitting the ground like a baby having a tantrum.

‘’Will you fucking shut your mouth before I come over there and knock your teeth out!’’ Kyle yelled, making Stan jump beside him. Eric turned and glared at Kyle. Stan looked at Kyle too, and squeezed his hand when his eyes were still wet, but hardened by anger. Stan had a feeling he needed anger right now, to mask his sadness. He had never been good at conveying his true feelings. 

‘’What the fuck are you upset about? Even if Ranger Damien Dickface let you guys bone up here, you couldn’t do it for a good five years still, retards. Look at yourselves, we’ve been made into squishy little pigfeed,’’ Eric spat. Kyle growled, teeth bared, and Stan saw then he had very human teeth, unlike the sharp fangs usually soaked in blood. They were pure white, and it was a nice surprise. Stan tried to focus on mundane things like that instead of their certain impending doom in this weird cold place.

‘’Maybe you have, fatass,’’ Kyle snarled, standing up from the ground in a huff, snow falling off his orange jacket and army green pants. Stan remained on the ground, watching them with antipathy. Eric stood up too, struggling to balance his oversized body for a moment, as Kyle came over to him with his fists raised.

‘’Woah guys,’’ Kenny warned. Kyle stomped up to Cartman, about to punch him, when he suddenly cried out in pain, and collapsed to the ground, holding his head.

‘’Kyle!’’ Stan exclaimed, rushing over to him and collapsing beside him. Kyle yowled in pain, and Stan was too concerned about him to take in when Cartman made a similar shout and fall beside him, followed by Kenny. Then his own. A sharp tug in the front of his brain, felt like knots were being strangled, hissing poison into his thought processes, making him scream from the jolt of searing torture. He fell into the snow, rolling around, trying to numb the burning sensation from his forehead into the freezing powder. His eyes shot open in a panic when he saw moving images, being ingrained into his head like a blow torch, forcing pictures into his head against his will, creating memories and information. He saw it all, feeling it all seep into his brain.

His name was Stan Marsh. He was 8 years old. He lived in a small town in Colorado, United States of America, called South Park. His parents’ names were Sharon Marsh and Randy Marsh. He had an 12 year old sister, Shelley Marsh. He had a dog named Sparky, who was part Doberman, part wolf. They lived on 260 Ave. de Los Mexicanos. They are practising Catholics. He had three friends, Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick, and Eric Cartman. They all attended South Park elementary, and caught the bus every morning at this very bus stop. His job was to subtly destroy society in this town, and as far he could reach, using methods that would not make humans suspect him or his true origins. His most important rule, while living this life, is to play along, at all costs.

Stan shouted as this information made a final stamp into his brain, and the torturous pain disappeared as quickly as it had come. His brain was furiously trying to comprehend the masses of instructions and information it had received, and he felt dizzy. He pulled himself up from the ground as best he could, trying to readjust this surroundings, then forgot about it when he saw Kyle lying in the snow. Stan rushed over to him, rolling him over to face him, seeing a blank, pale face. Kyle’s eyes were open, staring up at the sky, his lips parted.

‘’Kyle! Kyle, talk to me. Baby please,’’ Stan begged, touching his face. He winced hearing himself say the pet name. He should be accustoming himself to not use endearments. American boys didn’t speak like that. They said dude, man, bro. Dumb shit like that. Dude sounded the least offensive out loud. Kyle responded to that, turning his eyes to look at him.

‘’Dude?’’ Kyle asked softly, his voice still so hard to adjust to. Stan breathed heavily, relieved he was okay.

‘’Kyle- are you okay? Did you see stuff?’’ Stan asked. Kyle slowly sat up, looking around. Eric and Kenny were in similar states, slowly and groggily sitting up and reassessing their surroundings. 

‘’What the shit was that?’’ Kenny asked, pulling his hood down. Kyle looked back at Stan.

‘’The messages. They said I was Jewish, and I have a baby brother,’’ Kyle said, his eyes wide.

‘’Sick! Mine said I live with my mother, and I don’t have a dad. Fucking bullshit,’’ Eric said, scowling and crossing his arms.

‘’Apparently I’ve got a big brother and little sister, and we’re the poorest kids in town. That’s bullshit,’’ Kenny said.

‘’What about you Stan?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’I have an older sister. And a dog, apparently,’’ Stan said.

‘’Just don’t let your mutt eat my cat,’’ Eric said, turning his dirty glare to Stan. Stan ignored, so not in the mood to deal with him right now, especially in his- form.

‘’Did you guys get your house addresses?’’ Stan asked, changing the subject, but not completely.

‘’Yeah. I fucking live in a shanty town, they offered to show me what it looks like, and it’s depressing,’’ Kenny said.

‘’I live on 1002 Avenue de los Mexicanos, wherever that is,’’ Kyle said. Stan beamed.

‘’Dude, we live on the same street!’’ Stan said happily. They would still be close, he assured himself this. Kyle broke into a beam.

‘’Really? Oh thank fuck!’’ Kyle said. Eric laughed maniacally.

‘’Yes Kyle, thank fuck, because I live on the same street as both you homos,’’ Eric said.

‘’Are you fucking kidding me?’’ Kyle asked. Eric batted his eyelashes at Kyle, and Kyle groaned loudly, putting his head on Stan’s shoulder.

‘’You guys should really avoid touching so much. It makes it obvious. Any outside force watching would only assume you’re in love or some shit,’’ Kenny suggested.

‘’Well fuck you. I can show my frustration to my best friend about the news of living near a human lard,’’ Kyle said. Stan patted his back, agreeing with Kenny. Any further contact now would only make it harder, and Stan’s heart was having trouble staying together right now as it was. He was just better at hiding it than Kyle.

‘’Kyle, maybe we should,’’ Stan suggested softly. Kyle shot back to give him a betrayed look, then just a resigned, sad one. He nodded, and backed away, sitting in the snow.

‘’Look at that, the Jew listens,’’ Eric commented, unhelpfully, but really, when was his commentary helpful? Kyle shot him a murderous glare.

‘’That better not catch on,’’ Kyle warned, emotions flaring up again.

‘’Already has Jew. You’re ginger too, we just need one more, and you’ll have three strikes,’’ Eric taunted.

‘’And I’ll just call you Cartman, or fatass, because you obviously can’t be treated like a decent person, even down in hell,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Ha! Cartman, yeah!’’ Kenny giggled. Kyle smirked at Cartman, raising his eyebrow at the victory. Cartman seethed, his face going red.

‘’Whatever, bitch. Screw you guys, I’m going home!’’ Cartman announced, standing up in a huff and waddling down the road.

‘’That was the plan, fatass!’’ Kyle shouted back, earning the bird from Cartman as he continued down the street. Kyle groaned, tossing his head back.

‘’That stupid tard is going to blow our cover immediately,’’ Kyle said, the three stare after him as he tried to navigate walking through the snow down the road. They all laughed when he slipped over onto his ass, and he turned back, flipping them all off.

‘’Does he even know where he’s going?’’ Stan asked.

‘’I doubt those informative migraines gave him directions to his house. Us either for that matter, so we should ask for directions or something,’’ Kenny suggested. As if summoned, a car came speeding down the street. Kenny grinned at them, and ran to the side of the road, waving the driver down. Stan saw the driver as it came, and old man with thick glasses, barely able to see over the dashboard. It all happened so quickly, that he wasn’t even sure what happened. The car swerved and blindsided them, throwing Stan and Kyle back as it hit Kenny, knocking him into the ground. Just as quickly as it had come, the car sped past them and out of sight down the down.

Stan gasped in shock, crawling forward in the snow, spattered in little drops of blood staining the snow pink. Kyle followed him, mouth open wide. Kenny was lying in a strewn out position on the road, blood pooling from under him. Stan quickly went over to him, glancing at Kyle.

‘’Oh my god,’’ Stan said, gingerly touching Kenny’s lifeless body, his hands shaking.

‘’He- he, they-’’ Kyle stuttered.

‘’They killed Kenny,’’ Stan finished for him. Kyle covered his eyes, titled up towards the sky. He removed his hands from his face, which was red in growing anger.

‘’You bastards!’’ Kyle yelled up to the sky, shaking his fist in fury. Stan looked back to Kenny, unsure what to do.

‘’He got to go home early, I guess,’’ Stan said. Kyle dropped down into the ground beside him, staring at Kenny.

‘’What the hell do we do now?’’ Kyle asked. Kenny’s hood was down, his muddy blonde hair covered in snow particles and reddened from the blood pooling under him. Stan hadn’t been able to get a good look at his face before. It had light freckles strewn across his face, sunny tanned skin that made his hair look blonder. He had light blue eyes, open in shock from the crash. Down under, they were dark purple, almost appearing black, especially when he used his netherform. He looked cute, mischievous, which was probably no accident, considering his rambunctious personality. His big orange parka was huge, covering him like a shell, now dirty.

‘’We’ll just have to go on as before. We’ll just have the three of us now,’’ Stan said, sadly. He liked Kenny, he was a fun person to be around. One of the things that made this task more bearable, was that Kenny would be there to lobby some of Cartman’s insults and taunts. Now him and Kyle would have to deal with them by themselves, for at least ten years up here. It was painful to think about.

‘’Dammit Kenny,’’ Kyle muttered. Stan put his arm around Kyle, trying to comfort him. Kyle looked at him with sad eyes, and he shrugged Stan’s shoulder off him.

‘’This is harder for me. I just need to adjust- please,’’ Kyle said, looking away. Stan nodded. Of course he understood. He was having trouble not being there, ready to surround Kyle with whatever he needed. Stan couldn’t give that up, he’d made a promise. He’d just have to find another way to do it, while assuming the identity of an eight year old boy of a typical white American family. He wondered what his family looked like, in that odd moment of contemplation that swerved off course into something unrelated.

‘’We should go. We’ve gotta meet our family, and get to know the town’’ Stan said. Kyle sighed.

‘’What about the body?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’Maybe we could just drag- woah!’’ Stan exclaimed pointing and standing up. Rats had spontaneously appeared around the body, pulling it apart with their teeth and dragging pieces of Kenny away.

‘’They’re eating him!’’ Kyle exclaimed. They watched as the rats made lunch out of Kenny and devoured him until he was nothing.

‘’Holy shit’’ Stan said, staring after the blood left on the ground.

‘’Yeah- let’s, let’s get out of here’’ Kyle suggested, pulling Stan’s arm, dragging him away from the sight. Stan followed and they walked in the direction Cartman left.

Finding Avenue de los Mexicanos was easier than Stan would’ve expected, but upon scanning the single roads and double story suburban houses, he guessed this was a very small town, and everything was connected. They’d followed the road from the bus stop, and their street was right there. Finding their houses though, was harder than Stan predicted, because every fucking house looked identical, with a slightly different paint job. Snow was everywhere, the climate was hard to adjust, considering the festering pool of infinite heat they had back down in hell. Wearing lots of clothes were struggling too. Stan was used to being naked most days, along with Kyle. At the bare minimum they wore leather and satins, when they had to attend business, like meeting with Damien to discuss going to earth for the next eighty years in an attempt to subtly fuck up human lives. Stan had a feeling they wouldn’t even have to try. He definitely believed this upon meeting his family.

His father, Randy, was an absolute nutcase, dumbass, and child in a man’s body. It made it worse that he had features identical to Stan, like his thick black hair, dark blue eyes, and skin. Stan managed to see a reflection of himself before he met his mother, Sharon, in the house bathroom. So upon seeing her, he realised she had his face and expressions. He wondered if they were real humans chosen for him, or created by Satan to look like him. Either way, it was disarming, because they looked like his parents. His mom was sweet too, which was nice. There wasn’t much room for sweetness down in hell.

He didn’t even get to talk to his sister Shelley, because she just came up to him, punched him in the face, and called him a turd. Stan was so shocked about it that he didn’t even fight back, just shouted as her hard hit knocked his tiny child body to the floor. She kicked him once in the ribs, and promptly, angrily, stomped away. Stan stayed on the ground, shocked, and tried to remember where he was, what he was doing here. Meeting his family, right. Bunch of crackheads. Except his mother, but then he just suspected something was wrong with her if she married Randy and had children with him.

Stan sat up from the ground in the living room, deciding this was too much for one day. Already had he departed with his beloved, and now he was just beaten up by his older sister. He stood up, needing to get out of this house, and ran to the backyard. In this case, the freezing sting of the snow was like a tonic to the insanity of his family, so he just collapsed against it, letting the cold seep past his skin into his bones.

The cold was cut through with a sudden wet warmth, on his cheek. He realised he was being licked. It couldn’t be Kyle, he was meeting his own family right now. Stan turned to find a big grey puppy slobbering all over his cheek, yipping playfully. Stan sat back up, holding the dog from licking him, and it barked, picking up a stick with its mouth and holding it to Stan’s hand.

‘’You must be Sparky,’’ Stan said, laughing when Sparky barked as if in confirmation. Stan pet his head, and Sparky leaned into it, closing his eyes and panting with his tongue out.

‘’Who’s my good boy. We’ll deal with this shit together, hey Spark?’’ Stan said, fondly scratching his belly. Sparky whined, and Stan took that as a yes.

‘’We should go check on Kyle, isn’t that right?’’ Stan said, not bothering reprimand himself for making his voice higher and squishier when he spoke to his dog. He was a kid now, he’d have to start acting like it. That also included swearing. His parents would not approve of that. Maybe that was precedent to do it more. Kenny would know. Stan wondered where he was right now. Going through reprocessing, most likely.

Stan stood up from the snow, patting his blue pants and brown jacket down and shaking the snow off. The snow was kind of nice, like someone experiencing the beach for the first time when they lived on a mountain their whole life. He walked back around to the front of the house and headed to Kyle’s house, deciding he would meet the people taking care of Kyle for the next ten years, make sure they weren’t as retarded as his dad.

When Stan got there, that was the least of his problems, because he was confronted with a short busty women with a gigantic beehive of red head piled atop her hair. She had a hooked nose, and she wore prim, fussy jacket and skirt, fit with make up and heels. Jewish hell.

‘’Oi, Stanley. Kyle’s just upstairs. He’s been acting so strange lately, maybe you can cheer him up’’ The woman said. She had a thick Jewish accent, with something else underlying. Jersey? Stan figured she was Kyle’s mother. She seemed friendly, if headstrong. That reminded Stan of Kyle. He smiled at her and made his way upstairs. He realised he had no idea which room was Kyle’s, and every door looked the same. He tried the first one, and it had a crib, with a black haired toddler staring from over it at Stan. That was kind of creepy. The baby had beady black eyes, and didn’t move a muscle. Stan quickly shut the door, and tried the next one.

He saw a boy with a green hat curled up on the bed, and it took Stan a second to recognise him, not used to their new bodies. He walked into the room, jumping on the bed and making Kyle bounce where he lay. Kyle peered up from his elbow at Stan, and held his arms out before he said anything, then remembering they’re situation and putting them down.

‘’Did you meet your parents?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’My dad is a manchild. My sister is a bully. My mom may or may not be damaged for having children with my dad. I like my dog though’’ Stan said, thinking of how friendly Sparky was, he just seemed to know Stan already, like everyone. That was the weird thing here, it felt like they were out of a story that they’d already existed in, without knowing it, and just inserted in these children’s places, to resume their lives.

‘’My mom is a nightmare. She’s like a bulldozer. And my dad follows her command like a mutt, and he’s patronizing. He treats me like a complete retard, explaining shit like he understands it better than anyone. Just, ugh!’’ Kyle turned his head abruptly from Stan, stewing.

‘’She reminds me of you, actually’’ Stan said, unwisely, because Kyle turned his rabid look onto Stan, offended.

‘’How dare you!’’ Kyle said, shoving Stan away. Stan shrugged, chuckling. Was this how kids acted? Stan didn’t care, it was fun, that seemed good enough.

‘’I accidentally walked into the baby’s room’’ Stan said.

‘’Did he just stare at you like he could tell you were a demon?’’ Kyle asked. Stan guffawed.

‘’Yes, he did that with you?’’ Stan asked.

‘’Shit, it was scary. It’s just lucky he can’t talk in complete sentences yet, or he might have blurted that.’’

‘’We’ve gotta be careful though, not even talking about it. Even in private,’’ Stan warned Kyle, who grumbled in response.

‘’Whatever. It’s hard right now. I miss our view,’’ Kyle said. The balcony view from their lair out into hell, arguably one of the best views in hell, not counting Eric’s ridiculous mansion that towered over everything form the tallest mountain like a wannabe god. They got to see the waterfalls of lava and the daily exploding volcanoes. The sky was always dark and faintly glowing, but it was glorious, truly stunning to gaze upon. And now Stan was missing it too. It would feel like an eternity before they got to see it again, though vaguely, he knew that was untrue. Their hellbound bodies were accustomed to living for centuries, even longer. It’s why they were given prestigious estates and slaves, servants, and delicacies from Earth. No one could permanently kill a demon, at most force them into reprocessing. Their riches ensured they wouldn’t play mutiny and devour hell, as they were very capable of doing. And that was why Eric basically owned everything down there, because he had very big ambitions. Why all mortals feared the demons, because they could fuck shit up without struggle. Why Satan’s cavalry was one of the most feared armies across the whole realm.

‘’I know,’’ Stan sighed, and he took Kyle’s hand, not caring at the moment. Kyle’s mom called from the first level, and it jolted them apart, momentarily terrified they’d been caught. Once they calmed down, they went back downstairs, putting their best poker faces on.

**

The next day, they had to go to school, and Stan was struggling from the early wake-up times. He used to have very makeshift sleeping habits down under, a languid and grossly spoilt combination of sleep, sex, and eating like starving children. It was perfect.

Once he managed to dress with his tiny body into similar clothes from yesterday, and struggled with little red mittens and hat he knew he’d need, Stan went straight to the bus stop, finding Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny?

Holy Shit.

‘’Kenny!?’’ Stan exclaimed, running over to the three of them. Kyle gave him a freaked out look, obviously perturbed by this too. Kenny turned to him and grinned, holding his arms out when Stan collided into him in a flurry.

‘’What the fuck? You’re here? Kenny! What the hell?’’ Stan said, holding Kenny’s shoulders while he looked at him to make sure he was actually here. It was still his child body, his blue eyes were happy.

‘’Sup, Stan. That was pretty shit yesterday huh?’’ Kenny said, patting Stan’s shoulder.

‘’How are you here?’’ Stan asked.

‘’It’s bullshit, is what it is,’’ Cartman huffed, facing away from them.

‘’I’ve been reborn,’’ Kenny said, smiling like a maniac.

‘’What?’’ Stan asked, confused.

‘’He won’t explain it, dude. Trust me, I tried,’’ Kyle said.

‘’I can’t explain it myself. I just ended up in the bed of the house I was supposed to be in this morning. I just remember dying,’’ Kenny said, looking down.

‘’So, Satan gave you another chance,’’ Stan guessed. Kenny shook his head.

‘’I dunno dude, it didn’t feel like that. It felt like my nethermagic, somehow. Just the feeling of it, I guess,’’ Kenny said, shrugging with replacing his grim face with a smiling one again.

‘’So maybe you did it?’’ Stan wondered.

‘’Trust me, if I’d landed back in hell, I would have fucking stayed there. I’m so not into the cold. So from now on, I’m gonna be keeping this hoodie up,’’ Kenny said, drawing it over his head in cinching it tightly around his face, so only his eyes were visible.

‘’My mom’s such a fucking bitch,’’ Cartman said, completely irrelevant from the conversation.

‘’Go cry into your potato chips,’’ Kyle said boredly.

‘’Actually, _Kahl_ , I think I prefer cheesy poofs. It’s what my mom gave me yesterday,’’ Cartman said, sounding proud of himself for this.

‘’Don’t say my name like that, retard,’’ Kyle said.

‘’ _Kyel_ ’’ Cartman taunted.

‘’I’m fucking warning you fatass,’’ Kyle said, stiffening his posture like he’d detonate at any moment.

‘’Kyel is a no good, dirty Jew. Kyel is a no good, dirty, _faggy_ Jew,’’ Cartman repeated in a singsong voice. Kyle screamed, and launched at Cartman without warning.

‘’Woah dude!’’ Stan exclaimed, stepping back as Kyle landed on top of Cartman and punched him in the face, ripping his hat off and pulling his hair. Cartman whined at the top of his lungs, and Kyle punched him in the stomach, making him heave and double over into the snow.

‘’fuckin’ Jew! Ughh!’’ Cartman groaned. Kyle huffed beside him, and stood up properly, kicking Cartman where he sat on the ground once more with a grunt.

‘’Don’t fucking insult my religion, Even while we’re up here,’’ Kyle said, walking back beside Stan and Kenny.

‘’Well, ballsack. That was something,’’ Kenny said, muffled. Stan nodded in agreement, and turned to make sure Kyle was okay. He just huffed, violently shrugging off Stan’s hand on his arm. 

‘’Whatever, I’m fine. Fuck off,’’ Kyle said, avoiding Stan’s eyes.

The bus arrived shortly afterwards, and they all piled on. Stan mentally prepared himself for the communication with proper children. Who knew what they were like. And he thought Kyle’s outbreak was bad. Stan sat next to Kyle on the bus, and they mostly ignored speaking to anyone else, Cartman and Kenny sitting in the seats on the other side of the aisle, seeming to socialise it up. Stan left them to it, they were better at it anyway. And according to the rules they’d so far discovered with this thing, everyone up here already knew them, but they didn’t know them.

School was something Stan can reliably say he’s never been excited about, even down in hell. This was the real hell, Satan should’ve modelled torment after this place, it was perfect. Tiers of social status sinking everyone into a pit of hate and discrimination that only led to war, sadness, heartbreak, and regret. The perfect torture chamber. Stan then chastised himself for thinking so much about this like a philosopher. He was fucking kid, act like it.

They started noting which kids were they’re own age, and in their class. They had similar heights and builds that made it obvious, and soon enough, the four of them were subtly being introduced to everyone who would reliably be in their life from now on, and those who could play a pawn in the schemes they had to plan soon. Stan couldn’t think of any right now, just tried to memorise names, to save him a little embarrassment.

They’d met some of their classmates. There was Craig, this sullen boy who just spoke to them without a hint of emotion behind his voice, and flipped them off at the earliest convenience. None of them liked him. There was Pip, this truly insufferable little French kid, or British maybe. They hated him the most, driven by this force he radiated as soon as he approached them with his worried little smile. It’s just like he was begging for a beating. Cartman provided it. There was this dark skinned kid named Token, who Cartman immediately ripped on. Stan, Kyle and Kenny backed away from that fucked up situation, letting them deal with it, really not interested in starting that kind of thing. Cartman seemed to be the one to create schemes regarding race anyway, so that could be his thing.

They were going around the school, trying to find each class so they could locate places when necessary, when a small little blonde boy with a teal shirt came up to them, smiling sweetly and rubbing his knuckles together.

‘’Hi-ya fellas!’’ The boy beamed, radiating sunshine. Stan decided he didn’t like this kid either. He just found the optimism insufferable. Apparently Kenny thought otherwise.

‘’Well, uh, whats-a-name, hi to you to,’’ Kenny said. The boy chuckled.

‘’It’s Butters, silly billy. You got your noggin screwed on tight enough, uh, Kenny?’’ Butters said with a smile, stuttering nervously.

‘’Butters! Of course, silly me! I have been looking all over for my brain recently, have you seen it?’’ Kenny asked, surely riffing him. No way he could be genuinely using his comedy torture material on this poor boy. Butters glanced around him, lifting his legs as though Kenny’s brain was right under him. Kenny glanced at Stan and Kyle with an insane expression, smiling widely at them like they understood what the fuck was going on.

‘’I’m sorry, Kenny, I haven’t seen it. I’ll be sure to look out for it though, I promise. And a promise is something that should be kept. As my- my dad always tells me,’’ Butters said with a smile. This kid was for real. Kenny seemed hooked on it, leaning forward at him eagerly.

‘’No problem Butters, I’ll just use my dick to think from now on,’’ Kenny said with a wicked grin, mostly concealed by his hood. Butters giggled.

‘’Kenny! You can’t do that! Your wiener can only be used for the bathroom!’’ Butters said with a giggle. Kenny turned back to Stan and Kyle, smiling knowingly, for some reason. Stan and Kyle just stared, watching this impossibly amazing yet weird, insane conversation.

‘’Ha! Okay then, I’ll only use it in the bathroom. Plenty you can do in there,’’ Kenny said.

‘’Well, sure! You can pee, you can poop, you can wash your hands, use the dryers, look in the mirror if you’re feeling your hair needs to neaten up!’’ Butters said peppily. Kenny laughed.

‘’You’re so right,’’ Kenny said, and then he took Stan and Kyle’s arms and pulled them away, leaving Butters alone in the hall. He smiled, shrugged, and continued on this own devices.

‘’Kenny, what the hell was that?’’ Kyle asked. Kenny was grinning.

‘’You guys. God is a shifty sly bastard. He’s placed angels in South Park, probably to even out the destruction us demons cause. He probably caught wind of Satan’s plan somehow. How about that,’’ Kenny said, shaking his head and laughing. Stan exchanged a look with Kyle.

‘’You think Butters is an angel?’’ Stan asked.

‘’He has to be! Look at him, is he not the textbook definition of an angel? And the way he spoke, oh my god! You guys heard that too, he doesn’t even know what dicks are truly used for,’’ Kenny said. Kyle scrunched his face up.

‘’You aren’t falling for a mortal, are you?’’ Kyle asked. Kenny laughed, giving Kyle a glare.

‘’Asshole, I can tell when the enemy of a demon approaches okay, and that was it. Butters can probably tell who we are though, lucky for us, he’s probably deep undercover, so he wouldn’t reveal us if he didn’t want to be caught too,’’ Kenny said. He seemed set on this idea, and Stan decided to leave it.

‘’Fine. If you think he’s an angel. It has no bearing on us,’’ Stan said.

‘’He’s an angel. I know it’’ Kenny said seriously, staring ahead.

They continued through the school, until they approached a group of girls that looked their age. Stan wasn’t really thinking as he passed them, but he suddenly felt a sting in the centre of his brain, like some foreign thing was telling him something important like: _Stop! Look here, right here!_

Stan stopped, making Kyle and Kenny pause along with him. The group of girls turned to him as he stared, scanning each of their faces, coming up negative, until his eyes flicker over one of them in the centre of the group. She saw Stan, smiled and came closer to him.

She had long straight black hair, a pink floppy knit hat, purple coat, and yellow leggings. She smiled sweetly at Stan, holding her books.

‘’Hi, Stan,’’ She said in an impossibly small little girl’s voice.

_Wendy Testaburger._

The sudden reality hit him before he could acknowledge it’s simmering destruction in his brain. The reality of what he’d have to do, how he’d have to act. What he’d have to say. Why he was doing this. The reality hit his brain, and electric circuited through his body into his stomach, where that reality came up and spattered Wendy all over her purple coat in the form of vomit.


	3. The spirit of Christmas; whatever that is

STAN

Navigating childhood was easier said than done, but the four of them were dedicated servants, so they didn’t concede. After a few days of learning names and where the fuck things were up here, they started to get the hang of being a kid. Swearing, after some observing other kids, was normal for eight year olds, so they didn’t stop. Stan sometimes wondered if they did it too much in excess, but it actually worked pretty well for them, because they discovered the more they swore creative words, the more popular they became to the other kids. No doubt that would come in handy later.

The four boys were still practising how to behave, especially in front of adults, but so far the way to go has been blindingly naïve and innocent. Stan refrained from swearing in front of his parents, though his dad was a fervent curser himself. His mother was almost saintly in speech, but Stan caught her occasionally letting one out when a plate was broken in the kitchen or something. Usually when Randy was being an asshole or child again.

No frame of time was familiar to them when they first came up to earth, but after some investigation, it was discovered that they came up in December, a unit of time they measured in months, meaning approximately 30 sun cycles. But after some additional discovery, they realised this was the time of year that stereotypical demons would hiss and curse and hide until it was over. Christmas.

They weren’t those kind of demons, but the idea that they would have to endure a holidays celebrating Jesus Christ’s birth was nauseating. It was even more sickening that South Park was a hugely Christian town, they learned through being forced to attend their first church service. They weren’t disintegrated by entering the church doors, but they exchanged nervous looks anyway, because they had no idea what the fuck would happen if hellspawn entered a sacred house of god. But the Priest didn’t bat an eye at them, so they assumed the three of them were safe for now. Excluding Kyle of course, who was Jewish up here, and fortunately didn’t have to suffer through mass. Kyle was similarly joyful that he didn’t have to attend either, but spoke in volume about the woes of practising Judaism instead.

This time of year also made the town of South Park buried in white snow. It took awhile to get used to the constant freezing balls temperature, and they still haven’t really adjusted from sweltering hell to icebox hell. They saw that most other kids stayed outside despite the cold, so the four of them had no choice but to play along and stay in the freezing powder. Because that’s what the normal kids did.

‘’Hey, do you guys know any Christmas songs?’’ Stan asked, as they all stood in the snow near the bus stop, breathing ice out of their lungs, making mist in the air.

‘’What the fuck do we need Christmas songs for?’’ Kyle asked, hands in his pockets.

‘’Well, the other kids would know a lot of songs, so we should too, if we want to blend,’’ Stan said. They all thought, staring at the ground.

‘’My ma made me learn a few songs, but I don’t think they’re for Christmas,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Oh, I know! There’s this one I heard on my mom’s car radio,’’ Cartman said. “It goes like- We wish uh, we wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, we _wish_ you a merry Christmas- and uh meh meh _meh_ meeh-‘’ Cartman left off there, frowning in thought.

‘’That’s a good one. How does it go again?’’ Stan asked.

‘’We wish you a merry Christmas-‘’ Cartman sang.

‘’We wish you a merry Christmas,’’ Stan, Kyle and Kenny repeated in similar tone to Cartman. Cartman held his finger up.

‘’We wish you a merry Christmas. That one goes three times, but you make a higher voice for the wish for the third, like we _wish,_ ’’ Cartman made his voice go up, following his finger like a conductor.

‘’We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we _wish_ you a merry Christmas-‘’ they sang.

‘’And uh meh meh _meh_ meeh,’’ Cartman finished, mumbling.

‘’So what’s the last line? That doesn’t sound like anything,’’ Kyle said. Cartman was frowning.

‘’I don’t know, I didn’t hear those words, it just sounded like the same tune, but- different,’’ Cartman said in confusion, stroking his chin.

‘’Well how the fuck are we supposed to sing the Christmas song if we don’t know it!’’ Kyle exclaimed.

‘’I know it, I know it-‘’ Cartman said, whining.

‘’Let’s just leave it there, we’re kids, people won’t judge if we don’t know lines for a song,’’ Stan reasoned.

‘’Good point.’’

‘’Okay, so we sing it all together,’’ Cartman said, holding up his hands in orchestration. They started all together.

 _‘’We wish you a merry Christmas_ -‘’ They sang. Halfway through, Stan realised something, and paused, furrowing his brows.

‘’Hey! Wait a minute!’’ Stan said, making them pause in the song.

‘’What?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’Aren’t you Jewish, Kyle?’’ Stan said.

‘’Yeah, I think so,’’ Kyle responded, looking confused at Stan.

‘’Dude! Jewish people don’t celebrate Christmas.’’

‘’Wha?’’

‘’You’re supposed to sing Hanukkah songs,’’ Stan said, wondering why that had never come up. They all knew about religion, many religions, but this had never been a thing to come up, weirdly. Kyle stared in thought for a few seconds, then started singing.

‘’Dreidal, Dreidal, _Dreidal_! I made you out of clay,’’ Kyle sang, nodding along with it. Stan cracked a smile, and snickered at the words Kyle sang.

‘’That’s a stupid song,’’ Stan chuckled, smiling at Kyle. Kyle split a grin for a split second, before Cartman spoke up.

‘’Ha, yeah. Hanukkah sucks,’’ Cartman said, and Kyle scowled.

‘’Don’t you oppress me, Fatboy!’’ Kyle yelled, pointing at Cartman. Cartman glared back with an ugly scowl.

‘’Don’t call me fat, buttfucker!’’ Cartman responded.

‘’Then don’t belittle my people you fucking fatass!’’

‘’Goddammit, don’t call me fat you buttfucking son of a bitch!’’ Cartman whined, scrunching his face with his eyes pinched shut. They both glared angrily at each other while Stan and Kenny watched with some boredom. This had been going on since they came here, and everyday had a combination of new and consistent slurs, most in this fashion. Stan wondered how Kyle was still occupied with this development, after it had been made clear that Cartman wasn’t going to change his ways, just make them worse by being in the body of whiney fat little boy. They were interrupted from bickering by a distant angelic noise whirring overhead, and they all turned around. The noise got louder, and their eyes popped from their heads in shock when descending from the sky, was Jesus fucking Christ. The real deal.

Jesus landed down into the snow glowing before them, real as day, regarding them with a saintly neutral expression.

‘’W-what the-‘’ Kyle stuttered, eyes wide and worried.

‘’Oh shit!’’ Kenny said, muffled, cinching his hoodie to cover his face.

‘’Behold my glory!’’ Jesus said serenely, affecting a deep saintly voice as he regarded them from his adult height.

‘’Holy Shit! It’s Jesus!’’ Stan exclaimed. He was here to bust them, he knew it. God caught wind of the plan, and now they’ll have to either battle Jesus or let him kill them, get them sent back to hell, and ultimately fail the mission, only a few weeks in. Satan will be so pissed. Best of the cavalry his ass. Cartman coughed.

‘’What are you doing in South Park Jesus?’’ Cartman asked faux innocently, tilting his head. Stan had to give it to him, Cartman could really act, but for all they know Jesus is aware they’re all full of shit and kick their demon asses back into the inferno where they belong.

‘’I come seeking retribution,’’ Jesus said, still looking up past them as though he was above them- which. Was pretty fair. But retribution. That just sounded like he was here to balance the stains of them off the face of the earth. Okay think, they were all good at this, they could play along. A prompt popped into Stan’s head, and he was saying before he thought anything else.

‘’He’s come to kill you ‘cos you’re Jewish Kyle!’’ Stan said, gasping, looking at Kyle with concerned eyes. He very discreetly sent Kyle a look. Kyle recognised it instantly, and didn’t falter in response.

‘’Oh Fuck! I’m sorry Jesus, don’t kill me!’’ Kyle said earnestly. Stan bit down a snicker as how desperate he sounded just then, but Kyle was good at deception, so he sounded genuine. Hopefully.

‘’Nay, fear not. I love all my children,’’ Jesus said, still acting like an entitled being, even if he totally was one. They started to relax, when they realised he wasn’t here for them. He saw them like children, same as everyone else. Satan did well, Stan has to remember not to doubt him, ever. Kyle breathed relief, and Jesus continued, his glow dimming down.

‘’Tomorrow is my birthday, yet all is not right,’’ Jesus said, frowning. It was a little hard to believe he was actually standing here in front of them, of all people. But dedicated servants they were, they played along. Be a child. What the fuck would a child say?

‘’Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks dude,’’ Stan said, glancing at the others. Kyle subtly winked at him, and Cartman slightly nodded in recognition that it was the right thing to say. Kenny was still covered by his parka, staring at Jesus.

‘’I must find a place called- the mall,’’ Jesus said gravely.

‘’Well we can take you to the mall, Jesus,’’ Kyle offered. He was doing pretty well on his part, but that may be just Stan’s opinion, since his voice has become so goddamn squeaky and cute that he couldn’t not sound like an innocent little boy. It was freaking adorable.

‘’Yeah, it’s over this way,’’ Stan said, and the four of them led Jesus forward. Kyle ‘accidently’ stood on Cartman‘s foot as he walked past him.

‘’Ow! Goddammit you stepped on my foot, pigfucker!’’ Cartman yelled at Kyle, who ignored him as they continued.

‘’Dude! Don’t say pigfucker in front of Jesus!’’ Stan said, deciding then and there if anyone had to go down, or be exposed, it would be Cartman. But that was nothing new.

‘’Ah, fuck you,’’ Cartman muttered, following behind.

It was pretty early yet for them to be causing trouble, and Stan had some ideas, but he can honestly say in his wildest dreams he wouldn’t have imagined leading Jesus Christ through the snow to the mall. It was so wacky that it felt like a kind of second-rate comedy show skit, but there you go. He wondered if Jesus could read his thoughts, and that he was vaguely considering doing something that would lead to Jesus being crucified again. That sounded like so much effort though, and not particularly creative. So he decided they’ll just play by ear, see what happens, and why the fuck Jesus wants to go the mall.

To find out that Jesus and Santa were bitter rivals for attention at Christmas, and seeing them promptly start fighting the middle of the outdoor mall would probably count as one of the most fucked up things Stan’s seen in his long hellbound life. The four of them watched as the two major figures fought and spat at each other. After the initial shock of such a dramatic upturn of events, they all exchanged looks. This was exactly what they needed as a starting point.

They watched as Santa spun Jesus around like a rag doll and threw him across into the snow, and spoke before thinking.

‘’Go Santa!’’ Stan and Kyle shouted. Jesus shot them a dirty look from behind his shoulder, and for a split second Stan freaked out and thought Jesus was calling them out.

‘’Oh, ah- Go Jesus!’’ They quickly amended, glancing at each other in a quick panic. Right, he's meant to be catholic.

They quickly realised that this was getting intense as Jesus conjured a flash of light and struck it at Santa, who barely escaped it to explode on the Santa exhibit and crush the children standing beneath it. Actually crushed them beneath the snow. The four of them weren’t even doing anything, and these two prominent figures were doing their work for them. Santa spun his own flash of power at Jesus, which bypassed him and hurdled right towards the boys. Stan didn’t even have time to blink before it hit Kenny, and ripped his head straight off with the pure force of it. Stan stared in shock as Kenny’s head flew through the air and knocked a stature down onto more children watching nearby.

‘’Oh my god! They killed Kenny!’’ Kyle exclaimed. Stan couldn’t believe the chances of this happening again, after that car crash, and now Santa. His soul must be so unlucky, and Stan wondered where he’d be right now, back down in hell? Would he come back like last time?

Stan wasn’t given time to think about this, as Jesus spoke back to them, currently atop Santa in a standstill.

‘’Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all,’’ Jesus said.

‘’No boys, help me! So I can put an end to him,’’ Santa countered back, both of them staring at the three boys.

‘’God is watching you boys. You know who to help,’’ Jesus said.

Stan and Kyle exchanged a look.

‘’Stan, remember the choo choo when you were three?’’ Santa asked. Not really, but whatever.

‘’I died for your sins boys, don’t forget that.’’

Stan was utterly confused. Why the fuck were they asking them? They were little boys, they had no power to hold over anyone here, according to Damien’s rules. Stan deferred to Kyle, who was staring at Santa and Jesus with wide eyes.

‘’I don’t know what to do dude, who should we help?’’ Stan asked.

‘’I say we help Santa Claus,’’ Cartman butted in.

‘’Oh, you’re just saying that because he brings you candy,’’ Kyle spat.

‘’Ey, I don’t need to take that kind of shit from a Jew!’’ Cartman yelled.

‘’You’re such a fat fuck Cartman, that when people walk down the street they go- god damn that’s a big fat fuck!’’ Kyle screamed.

‘’Oh yeah? Well at least-‘’

Stan couldn’t understand the rest, because everyone devolved into screaming rants at once that no one understood, but yelled back regardless. Santa and Jesus went back to angrily bickering over Christmas rights, and Kyle and Cartman screamed at each other, while Stan yelled to break them up, that they were fucking blowing everything by being petty enemies. He needed everyone to calm down, and he yelled to everyone to stop.

‘’Wait- wait, just wait a second. Now we need to think here,’’ Stan said, voicing his thoughts.

Later on, he would doubt that the events that occurred to actually have happened, because it was so wacky already that anything more just felt ridiculous. But that was beginning to feel like a theme here, not even for Earth, but just this town, because the act of suggesting Brian Boitano, and wondering what he would do to ease the situation, and him actually turning up to help them, had to be the plot for some big joke. It had to be, because he just skated by and gave them a short inspirational lecture, and they followed by giving Santa and Jesus a big gay speech about the importance each of them had on the holiday. And it worked out like that, Jesus and Santa made up and left to buy an orange smoothie, and they were left with a bloody scene of dead children by the mall, and no one batting a goddamn eye. If it was because they were children, Satan deserved a fucking medal for thinking of turning them this age.

‘’Well that sucked,’’ Stan said, staring after the massacre bleeding into the snow. Kenny was once again devoured by spontaneous rats. He wouldn’t be surprised if music started playing overhead, like this actually was some kind of badly written joke. He wouldn’t be surprised at all.


	4. Hell awaits in space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gahhhhh, it's been too long. I'm so sorry.

KYLE

It was just Kyle’s fucking luck. The one thing his stupid ass earth parents asked of him was to take care of his baby brother, Ike. And he couldn’t even do that right. Fucking Cartman and his stupid antics got him abducted by aliens, and they took Ike as a result. He’s been doing this charade long enough to know how to behave like a kid, but this kind of shit happens anyway. He didn’t know if it was them- and their origins somehow manifesting and creating chaos, or this fucking hick town, but it was pissing him off pretty quickly. He was already drafting up plans to get out of this shithole when his stupid child body got big enough to leave home. Satan didn’t specifically say they had to stay here, and it would be culturally appropriate for a teen in a small town to aspire to take on the rest of the world. He wouldn’t need anything, they could shoplift whenever they needed clothes and shit easily, and Stan along with him would make all the warmth he needed. That plan was always shot down in flames when he remembered that he technically couldn’t use Stan as a blanket unless it was purely platonic to everyone else. And that shit was harder than it looked. So far he hadn’t broken the rule Damien set, but imagining a lifetime of doing it was exhausting.

He’d only conversed with Ike briefly, and when his parents were watching. The kid still looked a little creepy, and weirdly looked nothing like him or his parents. He had black hair, and beady little eyes that were dissecting in their stare. When Kyle first saw him he was instinctually alarmed that Ike could recognise a demon instantly, and he was about to cry it out to his mom and dad. Maybe Kyle had an advantage that he was so young he couldn’t speak proper sentences, but it scared him that Ike might be smart enough to remember it and bring it up once he could. Kyle hadn’t had much experience with little kids, or any kids, for centuries. They weren’t permitted in Stan and Kyle’s sanctum of Hell, by design. The sight of them made Stan start annoyingly talk about adoption, which Kyle was ethically against, from their backgrounds. A child was too much effort, and he’d have no idea which way to raise it. Raise it evil and honour their home? Or raise it good and honour the kid having a good life, feeling worthy of life and shit? Too much fucking effort to torture themselves about. Besides, children from Hell were always horrific little minions with missing limbs and black eyes and deep missing crevasses where their soul should be.

Kyle tried to convince the guys to help him get his brother back, and while Stan supported him, fucking Cartman was being an ass again, and totally convinced he hadn’t been abducted at all, even when the probe literally ejected out of his ass and looked at them for a few seconds. Fucking disturbing.

And then, the prize of the fucking day. Stan received a note from Wendy Testaburger to meet at Starks Pond. Kyle knew what she was doing, the fucking minx, and what made it so infuriating was that Stan had to play along. The thing was, Stan was really good at playing along, he was so open to things, that it was nearly convincing to even Kyle. And that just pissed him off even more.

This chick was already swooping in on Stan, and cruelly, Kyle had to just silently watch and act like he didn’t give a crap if they ‘made love by the fire’ like Chef said. Goddammit.

He tried to contain himself, he tried very hard. So it turned out the anger he felt about that fucking situation, just transferred onto his missing brother, and how pissed off his stupid goddamn earth parents would be if he lost him to aliens. They wouldn’t believe him, the utter bastards. He’d be grounded, and he’d have to pretend like a chump that he couldn’t fucking destroy the world if he goddamn wanted to. He was suddenly feeling like he wanted to, very very badly.

He wanted to destroy this school, destroy his parents, destroy fucking Wendy Testaburger before she properly hooked her talons into Stan for this lifetime. But most of all, he just wanted to go home. South Park was freezing every day, Kyle now refused to take off his hat entirely (also hiding that atrocity fucking Damien turned his hair into). He wasn’t used to this climate, he was used to burning eternity in the seventh layer. He didn’t think he would adjust either, he felt weird all the time. He wondered if the others were getting this too.

And Kenny’s stupid ass powers. Satan didn’t explain it to him last time he went down to hell, after dying yet again. Whether it was a hell thing, or a nether born powers thing, nobody knew. Kenny was useless too, because he never remembered a thing. He’d died earlier today, the damn aliens shot a blast at him, and got him hit by a police car. He’d just kept coming back somehow, and not a goddamn person knew what the hell was going on. If Kyle died, would the same happen to him? He didn’t want to test it, because that meant if it wasn’t the case, he’d be stuck back down in hell, and Stan would still be on earth for eighty or so years. With Wendy fucking Testaburger. He’d probably find comfort in her arms for Kyle’s death, and then they’d lived happily ever after until they died old and grey.

Here it now. Kyle vows that when Wendy dies, she will not be permitted anywhere fucking near their sector of Hell. Stan will never see her again, Kyle will make fucking sure of it. He’ll slaughter a goat and perform a fucking ritual to make sure of it. It’ll just be an unpleasant memory of the past, another one to be locked up and thrown away in purgatory. Kyle’s assures himself of this when he gets so angry his hands burn from suppressed fire sizzling his skin, tempting him with the option of burning everything here to dust.

And yet here he is now, being dragged along while Stan waits for the harpy to arrive at Starks pond. Kyle had needed to get his brother, he begged Stan to help him- fucking begged. But nope, it’s more important to keep up some hetero sideline act so no one calls attention to Stan while they create chaos. It’s more important that Stan meet up with this little girl and her fucking femininity so he can date her and marry her and fucking- _ugh._

God, the whole thing was pissing him off. 

They waited by the pond for fucking ages. They could have found Ike by then, but nope, Wendy and her fucking lateness made them stand by the frozen over lake in the cold. Kyle didn’t even know why he was here, he had no interest watching them. He just needed Stan so they could look for his brother finally go home. He couldn’t do it alone. He didn’t want to leave Stan’s side.

‘’Well. It looks like she’s not gonna show up Stan. Let’s go look for the visitors now,’’ Kyle urged.

‘’But her note said she’d be here!’’ Stan said anxiously. Kyle didn’t know anymore if he was in an act or anxious about the success of this. Historically, Stan and girls didn’t mix well. How gleeful Kyle felt the first time he vomited when Wendy spoke to him. It was like the ultimate assurance he’d needed at the time to know Stan was hating this as much as him. The stress fucking ejected itself from him. He’d been doing it ever since. The sliver of hope Kyle had that it was enough to put Wendy off was squashed whenever she looked at him- with fucking adoration. He had no idea what Stan did that fucking impressed her so much, besides being the cutest motherfucking kid Kyle’s ever seen. Sometimes he wondered if Damien sealed the deal by putting a love spell on her or something.

The act of it quickly got less charming when Stan vomited again when she finally showed up, looking rosy and sweet and girly, her chirpy little voice filling the air in a way that made Kyle wanna puke.

‘’You can’t talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do,’’ Kyle said, annoyed, when she said hi and Stan followed the script accordingly.

‘’But why Stan?’’ Wendy asked, turning to him. Stan vomited again. Kyle suppressed a smile despite everything.

‘’Eww!’’ Wendy exclaimed, not even backing away. Weirdos man.

‘’Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can find my little brother,’’ Kyle urged.

‘’Huh?’’ Wendy asked.

‘’Just make sweet love by the fire,’’ Kyle spat, hating every word. Look, it’s not like he hated her- it’s not her fucking fault she was Damien’s chosen one. But he just had to choose the pretty one that looks like she’s Stan’s sister. It just fits in this fucking hick town- incest? Why not, go all the fucking way why don’t you. Being gay is sooo wrong! And yet fucking your sister is perfectly fine! Of course. 

_Fuck._

‘’What happened to your little brother?’’ Wendy asked. Kyle sighed, wondering how many times he’d have to explain this to people. It wasn’t even that believable. His stupid dumbass Hebrew parents wouldn’t believe it, they’d just think he lost him or kicked him too far to fetch.

A competitive spark ignited in him when he recounted the day and what happened, to Wendy, while Stan watched and looked like he was trying not to throw up again. Kyle remembered moments in class where Wendy would lead in certain academic aspects. He was not about to fucking say she was smart- or the smartest in the class. There’s no fucking way.

So he bit down his pride when she had a good idea to retrieve Ike again by using Cartman as a beacon with his ass probe. He bit it down, for purely strategic reasons, so he could just finish up and get Ike back, and end this shitty day. He was not actually grateful for her idea. He wasn’t about to give her so much credit after only speaking to her face to face for a few minutes. Stan hadn’t even done that yet.

But he had to admit it was satisfying to see Cartman tied up, squealing like a baby about how they were just tricking him, and aliens didn’t stick an electronic dildo up his ass like the closeted fucker he was. He refused to say that he was impressed that Wendy managed to humiliate their equal rival, and have a way to contact the aliens for his brother simultaneously. He refused. Her entire entity just pissed him off too much for everything she represented.

‘’Goddammit, why is it me?! I’m the only straight one, why did they choose me!’’ Cartman screeched out, before detailing the ways that it wasn’t actually true, that he wasn’t abducted by ass probers in the sky.

_Okay._

So Kyle wasn’t to say he was proud of himself, more like he knew he’d blow up eventually. His anger was historically bound to burst at anyone who happened to be the closest target.

He didn’t mean to scream at the aliens to an inch of their life when they walked away from him. He didn’t mean to shout that they were scrawny ass shitheads. He didn’t mean to shout that they were fucking assholes. He didn’t mean to shout that they’d probably like to fuck their own mothers while she sucked their cocks.

It just came out.

Kyle was a little embarrassed when he realised Stan and Wendy watched this whole outburst. He grew red when he realised Stan would understand exactly why he lost his temper in the first place. He didn’t want him to think this got to him that much. He didn’t. 

So to pretend it didn’t hurt worse than hell once Kyle got Ike back down from ship, Cartman got sucked back up and disappeared, he found Stan and Wendy talking on the side. He was talking to her. Not throwing up.

Kyle watched them. He held Ike in his arms, and watched in horror as Wendy leaned in to kiss Stan.

His heart shattered when he saw it. He breathed in relief when Stan threw up on her again. But-

Wendy didn’t back away. She expressed her disgust, but then started talking again, pointing to the puke in the snow. Stan joined her, and they started laughing at the foods they could find in it.

Kyle was too grossed out to watch them and let his chest plunge any more today. He started walking away in the snow with Ike, and didn’t look back.

He knew this was only the start. He’d just need to get better at hiding himself, otherwise they’d jeopardise everything.

He told that to himself, blocked out their voices as he walked away, and waited until he got all the way back into his bed to start sobbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's shorter, yeah I know. But I have no disaprine, and I need some. Can I have your disaprine?


	5. It's okay to be gay in Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHew, enjoy this chapter please. Or I cut 'chu
> 
> Haha, 'kidding'

STAN

School was a lot more confusing than Stan imagined. He’d spent the little time he had to psyche himself into a child mindset and think about what the place would be like. He didn’t prepare himself to realise it was a fucking zoo out there. The children were animals, the teachers were worse. And don’t get him started on the rest of the goddamn town. He thought his dad was the only idiot- but nope! They were all crackheads. The only adult that was decent in the whole cold snowy asscrack of torture was Chef. Who was also incredibly inappropriate for ‘children’, but they quite liked that about him. He didn’t bullshit lie about things.

Stan also didn’t prepare for the change in themselves the four of them would undertake. Kenny got quiet- really quiet. At first they thought he’d just taken that ‘won’t take off my parka’ oath very seriously, but he just didn’t blab his mouth off about everything anymore. Stan only knew he was still sane because he’d provide the dirty quips when they lacked anything else to say. Cartman seemed himself, just settling in and taking over. But even he seemed to have trouble fitting in. Stan knew it was the weight thing. Cartman’s huge ego downstairs largely depended on his looks and ‘massive’ cock, and the new body destroyed that ego and replaced it with a whining squawk of an angry fat little boy.

And Kyle. Stan had most cause for concern about Kyle’s change. He didn’t change personality per say. But the longer the days went on, and more shit happened like nothing, the angrier he became. His temper was like a short fuse- especially towards Cartman. It was worrying sometimes, he'd never gotten along with him, but damn. Stan had to wonder if he was just taking it out on bloody dog because he was the most disposable dummy around to punch. But then he had to wonder why?

Living in this cold place was hard. They all knew coming back to earth after so so long ago would have challenges. But goddamn. It’s like new things happened every week, half of them they didn’t even cause. Okay- lie.

They did cause a few things. A few.

Stan had tried really hard to create that relationship with Wendy. It killed him, but he didn’t have a choice. It didn’t help that his nerves over the daunting prospects over this whole stopped him from even kissing her. What kind of boy with a girlfriend couldn’t kiss her? An obviously gay one. He was working on that. Nobody could know.

It took Stan a little while to adjust to what normal kids acted like. Apparently the excessive swearing thing was very successful in terms of popularity. The other kids had begun to look at the four of them in awe. Stan hoped it would last, because God knew how useful that would be. God did know anyway- Stan was fairly certain of it.

He’d sent angels in to infiltrate the town. After a while, Stan had to admit Kenny was probably right about Butters. The guy was such a goody marshmellow Melvin, and just so unironically innocent that Stan felt like burning his eyes over. It was just painful being around such sincere goodness, it actually made him physically groan sometimes by the mere presence of him. Kyle and Cartman shared this distaste.

But Kenny certainly didn’t. His willingness to speak to Butters was nauseating, and his constant presence around him when he could get away with it gave cause for concern. Kyle theorised Kenny would be boning him by 13, if he succeeded in dirtying the purest form in the universe. Kenny tended to be good at that.

Cartman on the other hand made a promise to create a slave out of the angel, determined to see their good counterpart suffer while he could get his puffy hands on one of them. Typically enough, he hadn’t mentioned that intent in front of Kenny yet, who would surely stop that before it could start. Stan and Kyle couldn’t be bothered filling him in anyway.

And so what if an angel suffers? Wouldn’t be the first time. And they were smug prissy motherfuckers who felt the need to comment how high above they were to demons. Most demons had a boner for killing angels, coincidentally.

So their lives were very eventful. There had been no settling in period. Being a kid was hard. Sometimes Stan couldn’t stand speaking to any of these mortals, and sometimes even his fellow demons. Kyle was no help, he got angry at Stan more often than not, and of course Stan knew why.

Stan spent every afternoon playing in the backyard with his dog Sparky. He’d been the only good thing about Stan’s first day in this place, and still remained his favourite face other than Kyle to see. Sparky was already trained, which Stan had to wonder who did it, or maybe Sparky just popped into thin air along with Stan and a set of memories for his family. He knew he had to support his home and shit, but he really hoped Sparky wasn’t from Hell. A completely normal mortal dog was all he needed to stay sane.

It was challenging not being ‘the possessed’, and just ‘Marsh’. Stan wasn’t used to having to put himself in a used and abused jock stereotype, but it was the easiest way to assert his heterosexuality. Because what kind of homo played sport with a bunch of meathead guys tackling each other and wearing tight pants?

It was his best hope to keep the Damien’s rule.

On the morning of the week of the big football game, Stan was pleasantly surprised to see Sparky follow him to the bus stop. He always knew he was smart- maybe even smarter than the other dogs entirely. He just got along with Spark so well at home, it was like they just understood each other.

‘’Ugh, you’re making me sick dude,’’ Cartman said when Stan cuddled Sparky and cooed at him at the bus stop.

‘’He’s part Doberman, and part wolf!’’ Stan was making this up- but wasn’t that a kickass origin story for a kickass dog? ‘’He’s the toughest dog on the mountain.’’

‘’No way,’’ Cartman argued, affecting that dumbass voice again. Or maybe that was just his normal voice Damien gave him? Heheh. ‘’Everyone knows Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.’’

They all turned to Sylvester, who happened to be there. Seriously? God was just setting them up now, Stan knew it.

‘’He’s not meaner than Sparky!’’ Stan said.

‘’Oh yeah? Let’s see. Hey Sylvester!’’ Cartman called over the mangy mutt bull dog sitting on the curb.

‘’Sparky’ll kick his ass!’’ Stan said, confident his strong boy could take on that raggard thing.

‘’I’ll put a dollar on Sylvester,’’ Cartman said, watching Sylvester come over and Sparky take an offensive position. They growled at each other.

‘’You’re on dude,’’ Kyle said. Well at least Kyle was on his side.

‘’Go on Sparky!’’ Stan cheered as they watched. ‘’Kick his ass!’’

They all watched and Stan waited for Sparky to win. He jumped on Sylvester and-

-and.

_Holy Fucking Shit._

Stan watched in horror was Sparky- started humping Sylvester. Oh fuck.

‘’Huh, He’s doing something to his ass,’’ Cartman said, as they all continued staring in stunned shock. ‘’He’s not kicking his ass, but he’s definitely doing something to his ass.’’

‘’Sparky! bad dog!’’ Stan shouted, aghast.

‘’Oh my god, you dog is fucking gay,’’ Kenny said, muffled.

‘’Yeah dude, your dog is a gay homosexual,’’ Cartman added.

No. Oh no no no. Shit- _no_.

‘’He’s- he’s just confused,’’ Stan said uneasily. Kyle scoffed.

‘’I think the other dog is the one confused,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Yeah, he cums confused,’’ Kenny said, watching them.

‘’Sick dude! Shut up!’’ Stan shouted, flushing. This can’t be happening, what the fuck.

‘’Stan’s dog’s a hom-o. Stan’s dog’s a hom-o,’’ Cartman sang tauntingly. Stan practically growled at him.

This wasn’t good. Sparky couldn’t be gay. Dogs get confused all the time. Maybe Sylvester just looked like a girl to him. Stan couldn’t have a gay dog. This was like him being gay too- they’d all associate him! The kid with a gay dog? They’d point him out as that kid, if anything strange happened they’d blame him and his gay dog, and then start calling him gay too. He’d be figured out, plan foiled, and Damien would have their balls on a platter for fucking up.

He tried to push it aside and pretend Sparky just had a bicurious moment, nothing to worry about. And he’s straight as a whip, likes girl dogs. And nobody will beat on Stan for a completely normal straight dog. It’s okay.

He ignored that panic in the morning, and focused on football practise that afternoon, that they’d all decided they’d play to really get into the traditions of the town. Football was the quickest and easiest way to get into it, and worked equally well- fooling an entire town in the process of their hetero masculinity. All good, all fine.

It was hard though, knowing they could all demolish at this game, but had to suppress their powers to appear average. Stan tried, and he almost completely succeeded. And maybe he ‘forgot’ to not put power into his throw. And maybe Kyle ‘forgot’ to make himself run slower. It only helped, because apparently his Uncle Jimbo had been watching, and that guy was the ultimate book to sign when it came to fooling people. If a closeted gay man couldn’t recognise homosexuality in his own nephew, Stan would be floating easy.

He got so distracted by that practise and his mind overrun with different concerns, that he forgot about that morning. And was happy to see Sparky find him in the football afterwards.

Clyde commented from beside them when Stan remarked upon Sparky’s wits to the guys.

‘’Aw- my dog Rex follows me to football practise all the time,’’ Clyde said. They looked to where he pointed, seeing a skinny grey dog sitting on the grass.

They watched Sparky make his way over to him.

‘’Yeah, but _MY_ dog found his own way here!’’ Stan said proudly. ‘’That makes him smarter than your-- _SPARKY_ get down!!’’

Stan relived the horror again. Sparky was fucking Rex- like aww dammit. Fuck.

‘’Oh my god!’’ Clyde exclaimed in shock. ‘’What’s he doing to my dog!’’

‘’There he goes again,’’ Cartman said, too much enjoyment in his tone.

‘’Sparky get down!’’ Stan tried again angrily.

‘’Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual,’’ Cartman said to Clyde.

‘’Make him stop!’’ Clyde screams. Oh no.

He should have known it wouldn’t be okay. Of course it wasn’t. Nobody in this hick town accepted gays. Not even dogs. The kids would never be cool with it. Stan couldn’t let Sparky ruin the reputation he’d been carefully building up these past weeks. In one swoop, it was already happening.

That reputation had gotten him so far. Football alone- Jesus Christ. He got out of schoolwork for it. The teacher’s kissed his ass, it was actually pretty cool what it did. But it had a bitter edge because this is the kind of lie he’d have to keep up for years to let him survive. His influence alone made Kyle, Kenny and Cartman look better just by association. He wasn’t up himself, but they needed him goddammit. He couldn’t let it be destroyed with Sparky’s sexuality.

So he did something potentially risky, but he wasn’t really sure who else to turn to. Chef’s department seemed specialised to women, so the only adult that might give a good answer was Mr Garrison. Stan approached him after class that day, ignoring the still fresh weirdness of looking up at somebody. Usually he was looking down. At Kyle.

‘’Mr Garrison, can I ask you a question?’’ Stan asked at the desk where Garrison sat.

‘’Of course Stanley, what is it?’’

‘’Um- what’s a homosexual?’’ there was no use being cryptic, and he’d probably get away with it if he sounded ignorant.

‘’Oh dear. Well Stanley- you’ve come to the right person. Sit down.’’

Stan took a seat beside him on the student’s chair, and Garrison took off his glasses.

‘’Stanley, well. Gay people- gay people are evil.’’

Wait. Oh- okay, he didn’t expect that answer.

‘’Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump blood. Not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick ominous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains. Which becomes the cause of their nazi-esque patterns of violent behaviour. Do you understand?’’

‘’I guess,’’ Stan said, unable to think of anything but- wow. _Wow._

‘’Good, I’m glad we could have this little talk Stanley. Now you go outside and practise football like a good little heterosexual.’’

Oh what he didn’t know.

**

The week didn’t get better. Sparky kept finding gay pink bandanas even after Stan got rid of them, and kept fucking male dogs even when Stan kept him away from them. It’s like Sparky was going out of his way to piss Stan off. At least he was a top.

They even tried to mate him with a female, but he just pinned her down and stole her jewelled collar and put it on himself. Weak dude.

‘’Aww crap,’’ Stan said angrily when that attempt worked. He really thought- maybe there just weren’t any ladies around. Crap. ‘’Now what do I do?’’

‘’Who cares if your dog is gay dude. Maybe it’s not a big deal,’’ Kyle said, giving him a look. Stan tried to convey his own that this was really important, and you should understand that _Kyle_.

_Oh fuck off. You’re overreacting._

Stan scowled, annoyed Kyle was putting that into his mind, when they’d agreed to not do it anymore up here.

‘’No way dude, My mom says that god hates gay people. That’s why he smote the sodomies in France,’’ Cartman butted in.

‘’And they give you cancer of the ass,’’ Kenny added. Stan couldn’t tell if he was joking or not from his covered parka.

‘’I know, Mr Garrison says they’re evil but- but Sparky doesn’t seem evil,’’ Stan said, he needed these guys to at least be on board.

‘’Well- maybe Mr Garrison is wrong,’’ Kyle said, giving Stan another look.

_Stop this. Garrison is gay. Sparky is gay. And you’re gay. Get over it._

‘’You should ask someone else,’’ Kyle added.

‘’Like who?’’

**

Annnd. Jesus was no help either. The line cut before Jesus answered him. Nobody in this fucking town would help, everyone seemed to hate gays more than the last. Kyle seemed to be the only person okay and not disturbed by the whole thing. But of course he was, he was gay too. And he was never on board with the whole ruse to begin with. Stan was carrying both of their asses through this thing.

He only started to worry for real when Sparky hadn’t shown up for over a day. He thought at first Sparky was just hiding himself or off in town like he sometimes wandered off to, but he hadn’t come home to get fed. On the day of the game, and Sparky was still missing, Stan was freaking out for real.

The guys were no help, and Stan decided then that his dog mattered more than that dumbass game. They’d get over it if he missed it.

He had to wonder sometimes if this town was a big set, meant to set him up. Stan searched all over for Sparky, and the snowy wind was no help to his eyesight. Up in the mountains, sat a big fancy house, with a flamboyant colour.

At the door, an even more flamboyant man popped out and stared down at Stan. Oh jesus Christ.

He screamed gay from the rooftops, Stan felt humiliated by association. And how the hell-

‘’Hi, little fella, how are you doing today?’’ the man with the pencil moustache asked, holding a cigarette out from glossy lips.

‘’Fine, how are you?’’

‘’I’m super, thanks for asking!’’

‘’Um, my gay dog ran away and I was wondering if maybe he came here,’’ Stan said hopefully.

‘’Well... Let’s see. Come on in!’’ the gay man said.

Stan felt conflicted as Big Gay Al showed him his sanctuary, and all the gay animals living there. He shouldn’t have immediately felt like he was being targeted or attacked, but this was apparently his earth fraternity. It just didn’t feel right. He didn’t wanna dress like Al, he didn’t wanna talk different or effeminate. He loved Kyle, and he knew who he was- but goddamn. Was this really it? Was this really what homosexuality was up here? Of course no one accepted it. Maybe Damien had a point making Stan date Wendy.

Admittedly, he didn’t mind the dancing, but he also suspected hypnotism on Al’s part. And then he saw Sparky.

‘’Sparky!’’ Stan exclaimed, a flood of relief at finding him. Who cares that it was here anyway. Sparky barked him happily.

‘’Hiya Sparky, how’s it going?’’ Stan ruffled his head, ready to get out of here now he found his buddy. ‘’I missed you, old pal, you really had me scared. Come on, let’s go home, I can still make it in time for the game. We can work on making you not gay together.’’

They had started to walk to the exit while he spoke, and he paused in confusion when Sparky suddenly halted in his tracks. ‘’Sparky?’’

‘’Young man it appears you still don’t understand,’’ Big Gay Al appeared behind him suddenly.

‘’Huh? What don’t I understand?’’ Stan asked. He was pretty sure he knew enough.

‘’Come this way, I have to show you something,’’ Al waved Stan to follow him, walking to another section of the animal sanctuary.

‘’Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my big gay boat ride,’’ Big Gay Al pointed to a Disneyland-esque ride with ‘Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Adventure’ sign above it. A wooden boat traveled along a man-made canal, similar to the Jungle Cruise. In line were four other men lined up, and Al directed them all to board the colourful boat.

‘’Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the big gay boat ride. On this adventure, we’ll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time.’’

Stan blinked, only able to imagine what he’d gotten himself into.

‘’You see, Gayness has existed since the beginning of time...’’

The boat passed little animatronic cave men. Two of the cave men were holding hands.

‘’From the Egyptian Pharaohs...’’

The boat passed two gay Egyptian men.

‘’To the Shoguns of Japan...’’

Two Shoguns in a techno dance club.

Stan stared at it all in awe. He could only imagine where he was with Kyle at those points in history on Earth. Probably where they always were, in that perfect hovel of delicacies they called home. That view of the burning lake. With Kyle.

Suddenly Stan really missed him, and missed how distant they’d been since they got here. He’d been putting it off in favour of adjusting to this place, without considering that this was probably definitely why Kyle was getting more and more angry as the days passed. In other words, he felt like a huge asshole.

‘’Uh, oh! Look out! It’s the oppressors! Christians and Republicans and Nazis OH MY!’’ Big Gay Al pointed to three lame animatronics dressed respectively as a Christian, a Republican and a Nazi, beating an innocent homosexual with a pipe.

Stan had always heard about it on Earth. They joked about it downstairs, they ridiculed mortals for their apelike beliefs and morals that made it such a sin, such a deviance. They’d never understood it, but the stories were vast. Sometimes Stan and Kyle’s servants throughout the centuries would provide personal stories of how they’d been killed, how their culture during life prohibited other sexualities, and these servants had paid the price for loving who they did. Stan felt bad that they’d always laughed about it, thought it an entertaining story- and how lucky are you that you get to reside here now where nobody could give a fuck who or _what_ you wanna fuck? Ha ha, problem solved now that you’re DEAD. Forget about that ugly past now, because you’re here.

And now Stan and Kyle were up in this ugly world, and the problem wasn’t solved, and maybe Damien wasn’t so especially horrible for making this hard for them. Because he was doing the same thing a lot of mortals were doing to other mortals here. Stan felt a little sick.

‘’Hoo! Oh gosh That was close! Okay let’s steer our big gay boat out of here, and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely...’’ Al announced.

The boat passed through to large doors, which opened into a HUGE, colourful, festive room where tons of animatronics danced and sung merrily.

_We’re all gay and it’s okay!_

_‘Cause gay means happy and happy means gay!_

_We’re not sad anymore ‘cause_

_we’re out the closet door!_

_It’s OKAY to be GAY!!_

Stan looked on in disbelief, slowly morphing to guilty hope. Of course an openly gay man would create an exhibit like this that expressed happiness and pride in the world, and Stan knew he shouldn’t really trust an animatronics’ assurance. But he was kind of really trusting an animatronics’ assurance. To be happy.

Maybe- it wouldn’t be so bad if they…we’re out the closet door. Per say.

‘’So what do you think Stan?’’ Big Gay Al asked once the joyful music finished.

‘’This kicks ass!’’ Stan said sincerely, patting Sparky, realising what he’d been doing to Sparky this whole time. He was just a dog after all, who cares who Sparky was? He was Stan’s dog, no matter what. ‘’I’m sorry I tried to change you, Spark. I just didn’t understand.’’

‘’Isn’t this precious?’’ Big Gay Al remarked at them, holding his cheek.

Stan ran back to school with Sparky that afternoon, after promising Big Gay Al that he’d tell people from town about the animal sanctuary. He’d only just made it in time for the second half, where the crowd cheered him, and the team looked heartened by his return. Apparently they’d been decimated in the first half. Stan probably couldn’t do more than beat the spread at this point, without looking like an actual god to them. They still couldn’t out themselves in that way, ha.

Stan was extra proud that Kyle was the one who caught his long pass that won the spread in the game. Watching Kyle beat the Middle Parkers with this adjusted speed just made Stan even more determined at the decision he made, and he’d have to catch Kyle afterwards before they went home to tell it to him.

The crowd hoisted Stan in a spontaneous mosh pit when the time ran out, and South Park beat the spread. Stan was rendered surprised by the reaction, wondering if it was always this dramatic. They hadn’t even won the game. They’d carried Stan to a stage area, and called out for a speech, putting a microphone in front of Stan suddenly like the joke had already been scripted and all that was left was to perform. Stan played along.

‘’Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?’’ one of the sports casters asked.

‘’Uh...It... It’s really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys,’’ Stan stuttered out when he looked out into the big crowd for real. Everyone cheered, and Stan found Kyle in the crowd, smiling in his cute little cows uniform.

‘’And..And maybe we can beat ‘em even more next year!’’ Stan said, bolstered by the presence of Kyle there. Kyle grinned when the crowd cheered even harder at his words. Stan impulsively decided there that he couldn’t wait, staring at Kyle.

‘’And it’s okay to be gay!’’ Stan announced proudly.

The townspeople had never shut up faster than they did at that moment.

Stan didn’t care. He stared at Kyle, who was also rendered speechless, bright red.

‘’What?!’’ Jimbo shouted in stunned disbelief.

‘’Being gay is just a part of nature, and a beautiful thing!’’ Stan was speaking to Kyle, the others were just happening to hear it through the microphone. He wouldn’t try and forget about himself again. Even if they had to hide, Stan wouldn’t deny it to himself any longer like he’d been doing up here. Kyle’s timid smile came slowly, and Stan remembered he’d been desperately missing him these past weeks. The real him.

‘’What the hell is he talking about?!’’ Mr Garrison barked out to the class. The closeted asshole.

‘’Uh... Stanley you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time?’’ the sports caster asked awkwardly.

‘’I was with my new friend Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary and took me on a Big Gay Boat ride where I learned all about the wonders of gayety.’’

It was slightly high and mighty of them to dismiss something very simple after the shit that had already happened in this town. But Stan only cared about what he said, his revelations recently, and Kyle.

He showed them Big Gay Al’s animal sanctuary, where Al appeared with all of the town’s lost gay pets to be returned to them. That Patrick Stamos guy did blow up a few people with his singing, and Stan considered that their goal-of-fucking-up-south-park completed for the week. Though Stan liked the idea that they caused more damage to people’s minds with the gay speech.

That afternoon, Stan’s parents allowed him to have a sleepover with Kyle for doing so well in the football game.

‘’You played so well,’’ Kyle said, both of them sitting on Stan’s bed. Kyle’s little legs were wrapped around Stan’s waist, and his arms were hugged around Stan like a teddy bear.

‘’It was hard to suppress being REALLY good at it,’’ Stan said, voiced muffled in Kyle’s hair. ‘’I’ll probably go and kick ass in high school when it really matters.’’

‘’That speech though Stan-‘’ Kyle started, leaning back to look at him. ‘’I can’t believe you did that dude- I died.’’

‘’It was expected at some point really,’’ Stan said. ‘’It just took me awhile to realise. I’m sorry- _baby_.’’

Kyle’s cheek pinked at the pet name, and Stan supposed they were still under the agreement to stop whatever was clearly happening now.

‘’ _Stan_ -‘’ Kyle said softly, his kid voice making him sound adorably pathetic. ‘’We- we shouldn’t.’’

‘’I know,’’ Stan said, rubbing his face against Kyle’s cheek. ‘’Just- I miss you. I don’t wanna play anymore if I can’t- have you.’’

‘’Sometimes I wonder if you forget we’re supposed to be eight,’’ Kyle smiled, not arguing any further and planting a soft kiss on Stan’s lips. Stan returned by pulling Kyle forward and kissing him back in chaste little pecks, pushing their lips together. It was probably the first time in three hundred years they’d kissed without tongues, or fucking at the same time for that matter. It was really nice this way anyway, and sometimes he forgot they were allowed to be soft. When you had infinity to be together, you don’t account to realise that it means you don’t have to go wild and try everything like ravenous beasts all in one just because.

They could just be slow like this. Stan basically had the eternity of eighty or so years of softly kissing Kyle like this to look forward to now. There’s no way they could stop- the rule had already been broken. Stan had just been waiting for it to happen.

‘’I’ve been in agony without touching you,’’ Kyle whispered against his lips, hot with dry pressure of feeling Kyle’s own against them.

‘’I know dude- can we just- can we grow up together? Like- _together_? I don’t care about the dumb rule,’’ Stan said. Kyle whimpered and nodded.

They stayed kissing all afternoon, uttering confessions and thoughts they’d missed mentally with their powers while pressing their little lips together. They had a lot of growing up to do before they could start doing what they really wanted, but Stan was okay with that.

They agreed to stay quiet about the new arrangement for now too. At such a young age, it would only be problematic anyway. But Stan was still happy. He finally got Kyle, hiding or no. He could finally have him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so BORRREEED. Somebody be friends with me

**Author's Note:**

> [Follow me if you choose :3](https://www.instagram.com/lozislaw/)


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